Simon Barnes
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Now I know what was missing from these Olympic Games. Jokes. Irony. Self-mockery. All those things that humanise. Not that the Beijing Olympics have been anything less than great, but we have lacked that sense of human proportion in the way it has been presented. All just a bit too loud, just a bit too boastful.
So the entrance of a London bus into the closing ceremony was a very cheery, jolly statement, especially after seeing the Chinese Liberation Army arriving in huge numbers throughout the morning and the Olympic Park jumping with slight but very severe soldiery.
So the bus arrived, on time for once, and the spell of monolithic spectacle was briefly broken. For eight minutes London had the stage to send out the message that the Games are coming to London in four years, and it's all terribly lovely. It's a bit of a tricky gig: you have to upstage the hosts without appearing to do so.
Boris Johnson had just received the Olympic flag from Guo Jinlong, Mayor of Beijing, and he waved it about in a merry fashion, a man with a wonderful talent for making the concept of smartness absolutely meaningless. After that, it was bus time and if you missed it, there'd no doubt be another one along in a minute. So we had a bus stop and a brolly dance to show that we know all the jokes about London and are prepared to top them, with a lollipop lady, a zebra crossing and other idiosyncratic bits of London. Then the bus opened up as I rather expected it might, and up came Leona Lewis to sing. She was followed by Jimmy Page, looking, as ageing rock stars often do, as if a life of mindless hedonism is ideal preparation for a graceful old age.
They performed Whole Lotta Love. At least, I'm reasonably confident that's what they did, because what else would they do? But the acoustic in the stadium is like a giant bathroom, and they may well have been singing Pop Goes the Weasel. I hated Page and Led Zeppelin even when I was of an age to enjoy children's music, but it seemed to go off all right. The Chinese are very keen on noise.
After that, David Beckham rose up as well, accompanied by a rather gorgeous fiddle player. Becks grinned sheepishly and kicked a football into the athletes of all the nations and, well, that was it. The eight minutes were up, and the bus has gone. We had, the media guide informed, been shown that London is “the coolest place on the planet”. Memo to all those involved in the “selling London” side of the Olympics: to claim that you are cool is an infallible sign of the lack of cool.
And so a great Games comes to an end, and everyone in London can get back to bellyaching about how inconvenient the London Games will be and how expensive and how we're all going to Tuscany until it's over. This eight-minute slot is just a brief distraction. It was a nice moment, quite jolly in its way, even if you believe it is the duty of rock dinosaurs to go extinct.
I remember how in Seoul, Barcelona gave us a demonstration of flamenco, pretty enough but hardly convincing proof that they would hold a superb Games four years later. In Atlanta, the Aussies gave us inflatable kangaroos, and embarrassed the entire nation, but the Sydney Games were superb. In Sydney, Athens gave us temple maidens — again, pretty enough, but soooo wrong millennium.
What matters rather more is that at these Games, Britain showed the world that it is right up with the genuinely cool guys when it comes to playing sport. Britain finished an almost ludicrous fourth in the medals table, with 19 gold medals and 47 medals in total. Only China, the US and Russia finished ahead, and they have more people to call on. Britain is a small nation punching above its weight, winning medals by class, know-how and adroit use of funding. It's all rather hard to get used to: something of a change from Atlanta in 1996 when Britain won a single gold.
These gargantuan, megalomaniacal opening and closing ceremonies don't matter in sporting or in any other terms. They are just a projection of image, and are invariably too long, too dull and far, far too loud. Would it were that all opening and closing ceremonies lasted eight minutes.
No matter: onward to 2012, when a great Games will emerge like Venus from a sea of whining and politicking. By that time, we might just be in the mood for another Games, and I have no doubt that they will be a thing of wonder and beauty. Before that, the Opening Ceremony must be sat through. Bring on the morris dancers.

Simon Barnes is the multi-award-winning chief sportswriter at The Times. He also writes a Saturday column on wildlife. His 15 books include three novels and the best-selling How To Be A Bad Birdwatcher. His latest, The Meaning of Sport, was published last autumn. He lives in Suffolk with his family and five horses
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A bus, an unknown songstress, an aging guitarist, and dancers with umbrellas... who is the Olympic host country in 2016?
S K Lin, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia
While Boris Johnson may well have a talent for not looking smart, it is hardly the image to offer the world. He was out of his depth. Fortunately, he embarrassed himself far more than he did his country.
Martyn, Pierre, SD, USA
disappointed that 8 mins of the London show, and who is the mayor guy? Boris? funny show of of him.
Colin, Sydney, Australia
Good show of diversity I thought, loved the bus!! Great to see British cyclists included in the show. Beaming Becks brought a cheer, the violinist Elspeth Hanson looked gorgeous, the cellist was a bit hidden but the little girl Tayyiba was relaxed and there weren't any blips. Roll on 2012!
J Ellerson, York, UK
Ms Lewis was miming, as was Page and the other singers. Tthe only 'live' performances for Britain were Beckham's kick & the dancers executing 3rd rate 'choreography'.
Still, we showed the world we are masters of pantomime.
Bring on 'yer loveable Cockneys' - NO!
Get Peter Ackroyd onside - NOW
Annie, Machynlleth, Wales
British display? The obligatory Black & Asian girl, but no Scots & their pipers! And the Welsh... and our Ulstermen! How disgraceful!
ian cheese, london, uk
I squirmed with embarrassment at the British display.
1. Routemasters have been scrapped in London.
2. I didn't even know who the white haired guitarist was, and a few million others probably didn't either.
3. There had to be the token black lead, and there she was L. Lewis who nobody listens to.
Tom Franklin, London, UK
Did not stay up to watch but happy for UK medals. Congratulations to aussies in china - for once we saw all proud of team achievments - bring out the teams not the indivisuals talk about the Nations and Cultures not the odd singer or mayor Good Luck Londons - still love you Jenny Australia
J A Heeks, Sydney, Australia
Finally, this disgraceful olympic charade is over.
m bajer, london, uk
Is the 'gargantuan' comment about the Beijing Opening and Closing ceremony a submission to the fact that the Beijing Olympics can't be topped? Secondly, Is GBR really a "small nation" when it has multiple countries representing? How about Hong Kong for example? Part of China but representing itself.
Phil, HK, China
Being Chinese, I was delighted with the Games.
The UK show was still interesting to the rest of the world watching & to be fair 8 mins was not alot of time to showcase a fab place like London.
What was important was the fact Team GB had an excellent Games & that's the performance that mattered.
K Lee, Shanghai, CHINA
The bus was a bit of a laugh, and lightened the show, but the ageing rocker accompanied by a talentless talentshow winner was dire. And could someone please explain what Beckham has to do with the Olympics. And as for hte dancers, no sign of British culture or History, but hoodies and yoofs.
Dee , Geneva, Switzerland
Congratulations - Damon Runyan has a worthy successor.
was totally bored by the Opening Ceremony; it showed that the Chinese were saying we are bigger than you, so don't mess with us. Human Rights won't figure - and they didn't.
But for London, Michael Parker should be asked to plan ceremonies.
Verite Reily Collins, London,
Embarrassing, disappointing, pathetic. Boris was boorish - he could at least have done up his jacket - and the whole thing was a shambles. After being forced to sit through the Ceremony waiting for the "Brit bit" , my family were in fact, quite kind: no criticisms - just a deathly silence.
L. Atkins, Milan, Italy
Simon might be interested to learn that T-Bone Burnett, famed for his collaborations with Mr Barnes' idol, Bob Dylan, on the Rolling Thunder Revue, is a keen Led Zeppelin fan who considers his project with Robert Plant and Alison Krauss to be the most exciting and rewarding of his career. Sorry,Bob.
Pat, Oxford, England
Beijing Olympics was spectacular in its own way; its about planning, coordination and people's hard work and stregth. They did their best in their own way. I am sure the London Olympics too will be spectacular in its own way. Why the comparison? Why the Sarcasm?
Joseph , Bangalore, India
Beijing demonstrated that its military has a huge dance troupe section, so does north Korea and they do it with far more participants and more often. All Beijing showed, was that it has spent the people's money on foreign stadium designers, foreign sound/lighting technology. Post party vacuum time!
stanzo, Singapore, Singapore
Congratulations, Pommies for beating us for once on gold medals. You tried to show humour at your display at the Closing Ceremony, but it was disappointing!!!!! No-one does pageantry like you do - I hope you will do it brilliantly in 2012, & show the Chinese you have as much history as they do.
Lyn Crough, Rye, Australia
The London part of the ceremony was just dire. With one of the dancers pretending to be wheelchair bound, it was clear that the Diversity Czars had drained it of any fun or excitement. Expected a great dance routine but they just scurried about in the gloom. Fold down bus was the sole highlight.
Janet, London,
Well done China.
This has been the best Olympics EVER.
Now it 'hands the baton over' to London
Seeing Boris Johnson strolling - hands in pockets - jacket unbuttoned - and generally scruffy, up against the others in their immaculate suits, was a clear sign of what is to come in 2012
SHAME
GJB, Slough, Berkshire
I'm Chinese and I agree with you about the lack of humor in the Games. We're "trying too hard" and really want to please. But that's not a crime. Humor isn't a chinese specialty so it's over to you Brits to give us a lovely time in 2012. And our 8-min at Athens was as cliche as any others.
KW, Hong Kong,
The grand finale at Beijing Olympics was an extravagant show of finese, ethnic culture and high tech wizardy of trapeze dancers, sky rocketing on tower.London brought out its landmark symbol of Red Double-deck,expanding into a rock show of Jimmy page, Beckham..with M.Chang,Placido at his best array
Sandy, New Delhi, India
The Beijing ceremony was spectacular alright, but was something that Egypt's pyramid builders or China's Great Wall slave drivers would have designed - mass ranks forming into mass images. London's bus was a breath of fresh air, and Leona Lewis sang superbly (far better than China's lip-synchers)
Dominic, London, U.K.
Yes this was an international embarrassment for anyone with any kind of link to Britain. We showed off a scruffy nervous looking mayor, then bragged that we have buses in London, before showing Londoners all trying to push on without lining up, and then reminded everyone that it will probably rain.
Marcus McAdam, Guangzhou, China
Beijing olympics now over, being one of the finest summer games with no drug stigmas, faux pas etc,not to miss the glitzy galore and hoopla of grand finale.Onus and challange lies with London, to beat with clock work precision, top notch medals tally ,bandobast,amidst recession and terrorist threats
sanjeev dheer, New Delhi, India
L Swinford: They were my exact thoughts!
Ed T, Melbourne, Australia
At first I found the red bus and umbrellas embarrassing. But then I realised it was a bit of a joke, and the focus on diversity was a welcome change from the cloned beauty look of the Chinese ceremony participants. But the fractured logo for 2012 is painful to look at. A Games in disorganisation?
Peter Wadeley, Singapore,
I agree with James in Glasgow. All very nice but how is Ms Lewis part of London culture - X factor, culture? No, I don't agree. The song went on far too long. It was a cringeworthy length. Why were such tallented dancers left wandreing around a bus stop? Organisation good, content poor.
jimmy, Chelmsford, Uk
So Britain was represented by an Asian school girl, a one hit wonder, an advert model who doesn't even live in Britain, and a very old rockstar. Surely we can do better than this?
Andrew, Leigh, UK
Jimmy Page played brilliantly - next time listen to five live - Ms Lewis, however had a superb attempt at slaughtering whole lotta love. I've no doubt she can sing - but not rock on the strength of this. Whoever thought it was a good idea needs a re-think. (and what did it have to do with London?)
James, Glasgow,
The London mayor had all the polish and class as the mayor of Branson, Missouri in the U.S. Ambling down the red carpet with an open coat then taking his place while searching for a suitable place to put his hands, forgive my sarcasm, but I was so, um, I hoped to use the word "inspired".
L Swinford, Springfield, USA