That is the verdict of one of Britain’s most notorious convicts in a guide to the country’s “best” jails, based on 29 years’ experience in 35 institutions.

The Good Prison Guide, written by Charles Bronson, an armed robber who has gained further sentences for violence in jail, includes survival tips for inmates and ratings for prisons judged on food quality, the “excitement” of their violence and the comfort of the beds.

The possibility of Bronson sharing the profits from his book, which has a print run of 5,000, has appalled victims of crime, although — in theory — income will go to his wife Saira and Sami, her daughter by a previous marriage.

Bronson’s favourite institutions in the £16.99 guide include Broadmoor, a highsecurity hospital at Crowthorne, near Bracknell, Berkshire, designed for some of Britain’s most dangerous criminals. It is one of three institutions at the top of his “league table” with a maximum 10 points. Bronson, 51, has spent five years there since 1979.

The glowing citation for the institution that has housed Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper reads: “It is the number one madhouse on the planet. And not forgetting the beautiful grounds, and flowers and trees.

“There is no place like it on earth. You cannot afford to sleep in the day room . . . or you may not wake up again. How can it change with mad axemen walking about? Serial rapists and child killers . . . The food was excellent.”

Bronson concludes that it “makes Parkhurst seem like a Wendy house”. Parkhurst, a Victorian jail on the Isle of Wight, also gains full marks. “There was always something going on: parties, hooch, escape plots and violence,” he writes. “The cons did their bird like cons should — like men. We worked out hard in the gym. We cooked our own grub. We had lots of sunbathing.”

Bronson recounts the worst riot of his time in jail, which took place at Parkhurst: “I once watched a con rip another con’s eye out . . . It was character-building. A challenge.”

Each entry mimics those in official guides with name, location, capacity, date of opening and grading. Albany prison, also on the “beautiful” Isle of Wight, is cited for its “good selection of cakes and fruit” and “lovely” fish and chips on a Friday, while Ashworth secure hospital in Liverpool gets eight out of 10: “it was a comfortable stay . . . Like the Big Brother house”.

However, Pentonville in north London earns only four marks. “The mattress was one of the old straw-filled ones, lumpy, and even the pillow was filled with straw.” Rampton secure hospital in Retford, Nottinghamshire, gets no marks. Bronson writes: “I would be a madman to give it any more.”

Bronson, originally called Michael Peterson, changed his name in homage to the star of the Death Wish films made in the 1970s and 1980s and featuring graphic violence.

Bronson was first jailed for seven years in 1974 for armed robbery. Apart from a few brief spells, he has been in prison ever since — mostly in solitary confinement because of attacks on prison staff and inmates, hostage-taking and rooftop protests. In 2000 he was sentenced for holding a prison lecturer hostage for two days, tugging him around the cells with a skipping rope tied round his neck.

Imprisoned at Wakefield prison in Yorkshire, he has converted to Islam, calling himself Ali Charles Ahmed. Bronson met his Bangladeshi-born wife Saira after she had read about him. The Earl of Longford, the late prison reformer, attended their wedding in 2001.

Saira says she is hopeful her husband will win parole at a hearing beginning on April 1. “We want to go and live in Bangladesh,” she said. “He has been through enough.”

The Home Office confirmed Bronson would be allowed to apply for parole, but a source added: “It would be very hard for him to prove he is not a danger to society. He often has to be restrained and I can’t see it succeeding, to be honest.”

In addition to prison assessments, Bronson’s book has a glossary of slang terms used in British jails. They include “baron” for a prisoner dealing in illicit items; “nutted off” — sectioned under the Mental Health Act; and “canister” or “crust” meaning head — as in: “I hit a Rastafarian with a wok a dozen times over the crust.”

Norman Brennan, a policeman and director of the Victims of Crime Trust, said: “Whoever profits from it (the book) will be taking blood money. Prisoners should not be allowed to write books which are then read by voyeurs.”

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