Dr Pam Spurr, relationships expert
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From
August 7, 2008
Does your partner mean what he or she says?
So they say they don't want children or never want to move to the country. Should you believe them or will they change?
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I cannot beleive that people are stupid enough to convince themselves that a partner does not mean what they say. They have only themselves to blame if the relationship fails when it becomes obvious that the partner was simply being totally honest.
Denise B, Oldbury, UK
James, Henley, England - I notice you call her your wife, so I presume you're still married. If she has destroyed all the trust and respect you had for her, why are you still married? Doing what she did is despicable. Why reward her deceit with staying, unless you have indeed changed your mind...?
Laura Roberts, London, UK
I discussed these issues , at some length, before I got married and made my feelings and intentions crystal clear and yet my wife totally disregarding them all and took herself off the pill without telling me.
The tragedy is she has destroyed all the trust and respect I had for her.
James, Henley, England
One of the most difficult break-ups I had was after several years in which a woman discovered I truly meant I didn't want children. Funny how they'd admit some shouldn't be parents but that it couldn't possibly be that I was one who ought not.
jl, NYC, USA
Fine if you don't believe and s/he doesn't mean it, sad if you're being honest and s/he doesn't believe you.
Diana, Derby,
Having babies is one of the worst subjects to not be on the same page with your partner. No one believed me when I said I didn't want more than one child but here I am with one daughter. Why do people think you can't be serious about that or that they can change your mind?
Danielle, Hubbard, USA
Having children is a very practical business. Both parties need to help. It certainly can bring you together by keeping both at home to share the work. No more flitting off doing your own thing. Having children is not a romantic bringing you together. Put that firmly aside and role your sleeves up.
Colin, Carmarthen, United Kingdom
If you have any doubts about your partner or if you do not love them then do not under any circumstances have kids. You would be incredibly stupid to think that having kids will bring you closer or that things could change for the better. Do your partner a favour and divorce sooner rather than later
james, edinburgh, uk
Honesty really does help. Accept they probably mean what they say. Then decide if compromise is possible.
My husband of 10 years always knew I wanted to emigrate. After 10 years of excuses, he finally admitted - he didn't want to. We divorced and now I have my moving in motion, alone.
Mags, Nr Oxford, UK
For Katie - my husband and I have an amazing relationship - which is precisely why we have chosen not to have children. We discussed this (and many other critical issues) before we got married. I am simply staggered by the number of couples who get together without discussing these fundamentals.
Cally Ellis, Manama, Bahrain
It reminds me of a saying (GB Shaw?): Do not do unto others as you would have them do to you - your tastes may not be the same.
So don't assume that everyone sees the world as you do, too.
Tina, Dusseldorf, Germany