The hotel: A vast gothic-style mansion — all wood panelling, carved stone, marble fireplaces and, in the main living room, the essential outsized organ. This mid-Victorian folly is set on top of a rolling hill, with sweeping views of a pretty rural valley — a pretty rural valley that is just half an hour from London. Who would have thought it?

I got one of the four-poster rooms — enormous and grand. Downside: a view of the car park. What you really want to do is book one of the 16 amazing suites, all of which have views of that valley. Each one is different, so take your pick: the stylish Wordsworth has a Jacuzzi, the Tennyson a terrace and a double Jacuzzi, and the Byron a whole tower to itself. I liked the Kipling — no lion heads on the wall, but chic Jungle Book decor all the same.

By far the best thing about the Priory is the food. The Cloisters Restaurant’s magical, ecclesiastical design is far cosier than any church. I was game for the potato and truffle terrine with pink roasted pigeon breast, followed by the breast of Barbary duck with rabbit croustade. Imagine my horror, after all that, when the chocolate and raspberry dessert special turned out to be the greatest pud on the planet. I nearly ruptured myself.

It’s Christmas. More food’s the last thing we need. Don’t worry, my bloated friends. Nutfield Priory has its very own fat camp, in the shape of the Priory Health and Leisure Club. Burn off the excesses in the gym, in the pool or on the squash court. There’s a spa, steam room and sauna for the less active, and all facilities are free for hotel guests. If, on the off chance, alcohol features heavily in your Christmas, try a detoxifying algae wrap (90 minutes; £40).

What about a bit of a stroll? The best winter walk is actually a short way across the border in Kent. Drive to charming Ide Hill, park the car and follow the footpath to Toys Hill. Because it’s hill to hill, it’s easy (downhill), then hard (uphill) — take boots, because the middle bit can be boggy. Your efforts are rewarded with perfect Garden of England scenery — patches of woodland, tiny churches, farmland and a donkey. And you can thaw out by the fire at the Fox & Hounds at Toys Hill.

Enough of the rural idyll. Redhill Helicopter Centre (0808 004 3542, www.ebghelicopters.co.uk ; £124 for 45 minutes) is just across the valley from Nutfield, and it’s the perfect launch pad for a low-flying tour of the capital.

Who should go? Londoners who love the country but hate long drives.

Who shouldn’t go? Northerners who love the country but hate long drives.

Nutfield Priory, Surrey; 0800 917 7877, www.arcadianhotels.co.uk. From £75pp for a standard double to £135pp for a senior suite, B&B; special full-board offers are available in the winter season

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