Those of you who have just enjoyed (or are, indeed, enjoying) a dirty weekend should spare a thought for this reviewer, who has just had a less-than-perfectly-clean time of a different sort.

I started my smuttiness four miles south of Gatwick in the Russ Hill Hotel. According to a recent check of the readers’ opinions on one of the UK’s leading hotel websites, www.tripadvisor.com, this is (allegedly) the dirtiest hotel in the country — but alas not of the hot and amorous type. It was more a case of: white gloves, Mr Sheen, and “whose hair is that anyway?” It all started rather promisingly — the hotel nestles quite charmingly near Charlwood village in the Surrey Hills. Through the portico you enter to wood panelling and faux leather armchairs. All decidedly smart.

But beyond reception there is a world of scuffs and stains, unvarnished fire doors to bedrooms, chips and cracks.

The old country house has a long extension, which looks a little like a corridor from The Shining. My room is on the small side, with 1980s decor — much of which appears to be yellowing before my eyes. Great chips have been taken from the metal bath, and there is a dirt mark the colour of the Simpsons on the sink.

Wallpaper on the ceiling above the bed was water-stained and yellow, peeling off the plasterboard. As I lay down for a brief rest before dinner (on perfectly acceptable clean bedding), the patches formed themselves into a Hammer House chimera of nightmarish monsters.

Then, getting some air from the window, I found a view with the car park in the background and the air-conditioner to the kitchen in the foreground.

What is redeemable are the staff, mostly cheeky-chappy Northerners who are chatty and helpful in a dizzy kind of way — ask for something and they’ll say “yes”, but you’ll never see them again.

Dinner was not bad, a fairly tasteless terrine followed by a superb duck with lentils. The excellent waitress made up a lavish cheeseboard at my behest with no hesitation, and I even got to snoop around the kitchens on the pretence of congratulating the chef. (Spotless in there, as far as I could see.) This is far from being the dirtiest hotel in Britain, but sadly it is of a standard quite common to bed factories around the country. Perhaps you might take my advice and go only if you have to. I’ve burnt my white gloves.

Bottom line: Kieran Falconer paid £65 for a double room.

Sampling the fare: a three-course meal, including wine and water, came to £50. A continental breakfast was £8.95.

What we think: buy a tent.

Best thing: The duck.

Worst thing: . . . enough already.

Access all areas: rooms, bar and restaurant accessible by wheelchair.

Need to know: Russ Hill (01293 862171, www.russhillhotel.co.uk ), Charlwood, Surrey.

Room: 2 out of 10.

Food: 5 out of 10.

Service: 5 out of 10.

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