“Is it definitely a twin room? I ask the receptionist. “Yes, definitely, Laydeez,” comes the smooth reply. Phew, the last time I went away with my friend Clare we were given a king-size bed with honeymoon canopy. At least they got the bed bit right this time.

But then things start to get difficult — we can’t actually find the room. A black-clad receptionist helps us the first time, but after dinner it’s a challenge. We fumble around the lift for the right button (ultraviolet light means the only things you can see are the clean bits on your trainers) and then grope our way down the white corridor as though in a blizzard (everything is blindingly white, and doors and walls merge).

Once inside, I search our white tunnel-style room for a tissue. Cupboards don’t have handles and are as white as the walls. Eventually I press a bathroom wall. Bingo! It pings open, revealing a pile of disturbingly neat folded tissues on a black plinth.

“Well, at least we have our own beds,” I say to Clare encouragingly, but to our dismay the twin room is the booby prize of this 35-room hotel and faces a brick wall.

Whether you can sleep is another matter. I have a fitful night. Each time I turn over, my hospital-like trolley bed lurches across the black marble floor, and a whirring noise in the background (perhaps an air-conditoning unit outside) makes me feel like I’m having an elongated MRI scan.

The Hempel blazed an ultraviolet trail when it opened in 1997, spawning rooms without reading lights the world over. Now there’s a backlash. Bordello-style hotels bulging with red velvets, warm golden ornate mirrors and clutter are challenging the antiseptic world of the minimalist hotel. That said, it’s worth coming to the Hempel for the strange intimacy of the place. It feels private — housed in five terraced houses, overlooking a central garden in Paddington with no hotel sign on the door. And the food is delicious, though pricey.

We like the I-Thai restaurant’s food, but it’s a shame to be in a windowless basement. We order the Thai beef salad (an unminimalist-sized portion for which we are grateful) with tender fillet. Clare’s chicken green curry is as green as mushy peas (rather than the dull grey you get in some places) and creamy. We share the cheeses (£9.50), which are too cold, but served with lovely charcoal biscuits. Sadly, breakfast is a bit on the minimalist side for our liking — no salt, butter or water on the buffet.

Checking out, I spot a woman with a bucket cleaning a wall, trying to erase the evidence of all the guests who groped their way back to their rooms the night before.

Bottom line: Jeannette Hyde paid £217 for the room, including continental breakfast.

Sampling the fare: A two-course meal and shared dessert came to £125, including one bottle of the least-expensive wine.

What we think: Needs a few door handles.

Best thing: The roaring fires in reception.

Worst thing: Too much white.

Need to know: The Hempel (020-7298 9000, www.the-hempel.co.uk), 31-35 Craven Hill Gardens, London W2.

Access all areas: Three disabled rooms.

Room: 5 out of 10.
Food: 7 out of 10.
Service: 6 out of 10.

Times recommends

• Win a Zeppelin flight over London
• A first timer's guide to... Morocco
• The budget guide to the French Riviera