When I think of bottles of wine, I imagine a cool Saint-Veran, a Provençal rosé chilling in an ice bucket by a pool, or sometimes even a magnum of claret waiting to be served with rare roast beef.

Seldom, in fact never, have I imagined bottles of wine stacked up in a climbing frame. But this is what confronts you at the Radisson SAS at Stansted airport. Order a bottle in the main bar in the atrium and a young woman straps herself into a harness and flies off to get your request from somewhere in a 50ft-high glass tower complete with flashing green lights. This is mad, insane, but turns out to be consistent with the rest of the hotel.

The lighting throughout is gloomy. My room was strange. It is as if they bought all the furniture at Ikea, but then either couldn’t assemble it properly or broke it and put it in the room anyway.

The mirror was the shape of a large inverted shark’s tooth; there was a weird blue chair next to the bed; and a picture on the wall that was all blue, like a snapshot of the sea. The carpet continued this aquatic theme, like the floor of an aquarium. It is unsettling enough to find oneself at Stansted airport with the prospect of a flight at six in the morning, but this place made it worse.

There is a gym and a spa. The gym looked nice, full of machines to tweak your most tender parts, but the pool stank of chlorine.

What I did like was the free wireless connection – any hotel that makes you pay to link up is just plain greedy – although it wasn’t fast enough to watch George Best’s finest goals on YouTube.

When you are bored with watching the female trapeze artist looking for bottles in the wine tower – if there are no orders, she does a sort of trapeze cabaret – you have a choice of restaurants. There is an Italian, a tapas-style buffet, and the New York Bar and Grill. I went for the grill and was pleasantly surprised. Apart from the waitress’s desire to fill our wine glasses to the brim every time we took a sip, the service was good and the steak thick and excellent.

I missed out on breakfast because the flight left early and I was charged for a £20 phone call that I didn’t make. At 4.30am it is hard to make yourself check the bill, but when I phoned later they were happy to deduct the charge. They even said they looked forward to seeing me again soon.

I can’t say the feeling is mutual.

Bottom line: Rupert Wright paid £146.60 for a double.

Need to know: Radisson SAS Hotel (01279 661012, www.stansted.radissonsas.com ), London Stansted Airport, Waltham Close, Essex.

Sampling the fare: Great steak, good wine; £125 for two.

Access all areas: Yes.

Best thing: The New York Bar and Grill.

Worst thing: The wine tower.

Room: 5 out of 10.

Food: 7 out of 10.

Service: 6 out of 10.

Value: 5 out of 10.

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