At this time of year, though, with Valentine's Day looming and the classified columns awash with chubbily beaming cupids, the Travel pages traditionally come over all coy. There are plenty of hotel reviews for the big night, sure, but they don't talk about sex. They talk about romance — which, as we all know, is a closely related but distinct thing.

None of this lily-livered stuff for us, we thought. Never mind the soft-focus, cue-the-violins, Mills & Boon, Jardin de Max Factor mush: this newspaper would search the length and breadth of the British Isles to find the sexiest hotel rooms around.

I was a bit taken aback, however, when I realised "this newspaper" meant "me". With a physique that could politely be described as minimalist, and the sunken eyes and sleep-deprived pallor of a recent parent, I'm not the obvious choice for the job — though, through a welcome quirk of fate, I do have a rather attractive wife.

"It's not a job for some sex god," said my editor. Ah, that explained it. "We want real, sexy rooms for real people. Now get out there and enjoy yourselves."

Jaqui and I did our best to do just that. Here are the results.

Page 2: Hotel du Vin, harrogate
Page 3: K West, London
Page 4: Hotel Pelirocco, Brighton
Page 5: Aphrodite's Lodge, Windermere
Page 6: The Witchery, Edinburgh
Page 7: Castle Leslie, Co Monaghan
Page 8: book a valentine treat

()HOTEL DU VIN
Harrogate

Why? With a 20ft shower you could fit a rugby team in, the possibilities are obvious.

First impressions: the latest in the Hotel du Vin chain is a conversion of eight Georgian houses in the centre of twee Harrogate. The management has a reputation for delivering classy luxury and good value, and it seems to have got it right again: the rooms manage to be homely and trendy at the same time, and the bar, billiard room and restaurant feel smart but convivial.

How did it go? "Wow," said Jaqui as we walked into the Moët Vintage Collection suite. "Wow," came back the echo.

Women always say size isn't everything, but I could see she was impressed. Up in the eaves, this suite is huge — 57ft by 23ft in all. About half that space is given over to the bathroom, which houses that 20ft shower. It sounds a lot sexier than it is, though: it's really a long corridor, with two adjacent monsoon shower heads and nothing but cold, dry tile at either end. We felt a bit exposed. And if you're pondering the erotic possibilities of adjacent showers, stop — with gallons of water per second sloshing down, they should put up "Danger from drowning" signs.

In the bedroom, too, everything was outsize. The plasma TV was enormous. The sofa was enormous. Most important, the bed was enormous. The hotel reckons it is 8ft square, but that can't be right — there were acres of fluffy cotton to roll about on. This room was surely designed for orgies.

Wrapped in fluffy dressing gowns, we lolled about our domain. The temperature was just right, set by an efficient wall-mounted control. (This is important. There's a story that when Alex Comfort was checking the illustrations for the first edition of The Joy of Sex, he rejected the first lot because they didn't show any radiators. You can't have good sex in a cold room, he argued, sending the bemused illustrator back to insert heating appliances between his exotically coupled hippies.)

In any case, the evening went rather well. Perusing the guest book the next morning, every comment was gushing praise, apart from a couple of complaints that the place was a bit noisy. We didn't notice — but if it is, we'll bet it's for all the right reasons.

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