Gordon Brown has only just started experimenting with the idea of taking a
holiday. It's all part of his campaign to be more normal. As you may recall,
Mr Brown's holiday last summer lasted all of four hours. You may think that
is pathetic but, by all accounts, for him it was pretty near hell.
Imagine his panic, then, as the Westminster spring break looms. People will
expect him to go on holiday again. How ghastly is that? So, here is a
solution for Mr Brown and his Cabinet: don't think of a holiday as a, well,
holiday but as a learning opportunity. Someone really should specialise in
tailormade breaks for the political classes, a Hols for Pols concept aimed
at showing them how the rest of us live.
I often think, as I watch Ruth Kelly toss her new hairdo around at Transport
Questions, that she should get out more. Ditch the chauffeur! Escape from
that government car! Leave all that behind at the office and venture out,
Ruth, into the real world. Embrace the M25 at 5pm on a Friday afternoon. Go
to Cornwall and find out what it's like to “drive” in the world's longest
queue. Or why not take a picnic to the Luton M1 roadworks?
It's important to do something that terrifies you once in a while and so
Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, is off for a holiday in Hackney. (Walk the
streets! Free! Yummy Kebabs for All!) Justice Secretary Jack Straw says that
he never loses sleep over our ever-growing prison population and so he can
snooze through two weeks at the Scrubs. It's not cheap (though breakfast is
included, of course) or cheerful, but then who wants all that forced gaiety
when on holiday anyway?
John Hutton, the Business Secretary, who is overseeing the closure of so many
post offices, is off to live with Postman Pat. Culture Secretary Andy
Burnham, who has a fear of supercasinos, is going to Las Vegas, with a
shrink, to confront his gambling issues. James Purnell, the Boy Wonder, has
been growing sideburns and so he'll be time-travelling to the 1970s: think
Starsky, Hutch - and Purnell!
Children's Secretary Ed Balls is going to juggling school, for obvious
reasons. His wife Yvette Cooper, now Chief Secretary to the Treasury but
former Housing Minister, has long waxed lyrical about eco-towns, mystical
Utopias where even the pubs are carbon neutral. I hear the grass juice there
is, well, green.
Alistair Darling is looking stressed. I was thinking he could go on a
Sub-Prime Special, where your crap holiday is bundled up with lots of other
crap holidays. The result? You always end up offshore - somewhere! But that
may push him over the brink. The doctor says he's to avoid all things to do
with rocks and turbulence (global or otherwise). That rules out Gibraltar,
air travel and contact with anyone with a mortgage. Perhaps best to book
into a beauty spa (one that specialises in eyebrows).
As for Gordon? Well, I'm torn. First I thought he should go and live at
Heathrow, as all the best people do. Then I remembered how he's always
saying how everything is getting so much better in Iraq. What about two
weeks there to revel in the new democracy? But then I remembered that,
actually, the Prime Minister needs to have some fun. So the Browns are off
to Butlins. It'll be a hoot, but not as nice, of course, as Basra.
Best of Britain
Local Knowledge
South Devon
Times 28th March
John Burton Race in his piece on Wistmans Wood, says:
"I have a pint of lovely Badger Ale at the Old Inn in Widecombe and walk out there and contemplate. Very enigmatic"
If "Out There" refers to Wistmans Wood he would have to walk across approximately 7 miles (direct line route) of open moorland, forest, farmland and narrow lanes to get there. A practical walking route would probably be one and half to two times as long.
If he had to walk back again, I would suggest not much time to contemplate. Now thats' a real enigma.
Mike Collier, Plymouth, UK