The road that leads from Milan's Linate airport to Franciacorta, the heart of Lombardy's wine-growing region, cannot be described as scenic. The traffic is bad and the autostrada is lined on both sides by gigantic grey concrete edifices. Despite the glossy patina, Milan is Italy's engine room, and it shows.
Fortunately none of that matters if you are going to L'Albereta because you will be insulated behind tinted windows as the driver whisks you towards the elegance of this Relais & Châteaux hotel and spa. Congestion permitting, it takes about 30 minutes before the scenery shifts into rolling hills and vineyards, and finally you sweep up the drive.
The owners of L'Albereta are wine-growers, responsible for one of the best labels of the region, Bellavista. They specialise in Franciacorta, a sparkling white named after the region in the same way that Champagne is named after its location. Indeed, Franciacorta is Italy's answer to Champagne, a superior spumante produced using a similar method. Needless to say, the cross-border debate rages as to which is best. I'm no expert, but settling into the cosy bar with my first (and by no means last) glass of Saten, a delicious fizz made from barrel-fermented chardonnay, I'd have been hard-pushed to tell the difference.
You must be thinking: why is she wittering on about wine; this is supposed to be about spas. Well, despite the presence of a two-star Michelin restaurant and what can only be described as rivers of vino, L'Albereta's primary function is as a health resort. It's just that, being Italian, they've got their priorities right. Wine. Food. Spa. Most reassuring.
To test their mettle, I was joined for the weekend by my parents. My mother is a paragon of virtue. If you were to detox her you might succeed in extracting a small amount of caffeine. My dear papa, on the other hand, is another story. It has been the bane of his life (and the family's) to have been born with the constitution of an ox. This has enabled him to embrace a Keith Richards lifestyle while retaining the liver of a vegetarian teetotaller.
Recently, however, he's been feeling uncharacteristically peaky. And so it was that he found himself (rather crossly) festooned with electrodes, having the first of a number of "bio-energetic" assessments that L'Albereta likes to carry out on all new clients. This procedure was a lot more stressful than it should have been, mainly because he kept trying to call his dealer (don't worry: we're talking stocks) on his mobile phone. I was in a terrible flap. The staff of the Espace Henri Chenot, on the other hand, were infinitely patient, allowing him time to finish his call before reconnecting him and starting the process again.
The spa is vast and beautifully designed. Guests can sign up for individual treatments, or they can buy "benessere" (wellbeing) packages. I opted for 40 minutes of hydrotherapy (a detoxifying soak in a monster Jacuzzi) followed by a massage (using some weird muscle suction which was thoroughly enjoyable).
All of this was incredibly professional both in terms of machinery and techniques, and the language barrier was no obstacle, as all the staff appeared to speak English. What I liked most was the fact that it was perfectly possible to relax and focus on your health without feeling like you were at boot camp.
The proof was in their handling of Father. As expected, his diagnosis was not glowing. But, as the doctor realised, with some people it¹s not about getting them to behave perfectly, it's about getting them to behave at all.
She suggested that he begin by cutting down his wine consumption from three bottles a day to six glasses. Less red meat. One pudding instead of two. No petits fours. And under no circumstances must he stop smoking (yet). It would stress his system too much.
The patient was shocked and delighted. At last, a doctor who wasn¹t telling him off. He repaired to the bar to contemplate the matter over a glass of Saten. And for almost a whole week, he stuck to her instructions.
Well, what do you expect? They're only doctors, not miracle-workers.
Hotel L'Albereta in Franciacorta, Erbusco, three nights from £563 pp based on two people sharing; includes flight to Verona and hire car. Italian Expressions (020-7433 2675; www.expressionsholidays.co.uk)
- Read the Good Spa Guide summary of Hotel L'Albereta
