There was a time when the prospect of Jelly Babies for breakfast represented a
level of sophistication beyond my wildest dreams. But it’s 6.30am and I’m
beginning to understand why cheap sweets have not — as yet — been adopted as
a dietary staple by any advanced culture.
I’m now seriously regretting that third packet of Black Jacks before bedtime.
It was an ill-advised venture following the post-prandial Liquorice Allsorts
extravaganza and the bag of Dolly Mixtures I furtively fisted down my throat
during a 2am foray outdoors, pretending to be concerned about non-existent
prowlers.
It’s day two in the Bassett suite of the Park Hall hotel — Britain’s first
hotel catering to the whims and desires of children — and my regression to
pre-teen gluttony is complete. Any concerns I had about the effect of the
stay on Molly and Michael’s diet have, so far, proved unfounded. The
children have been tiny models of restraint in the face of unreasonable
temptation while I have put on 6lb, developed creeping acne and am lying in
a sweat-drenched frenzy, craving my next sugar fix.
The Bertie Bassett suite opened last year following the successful launch of
the neighbouring Cadbury suite. The rooms are decorated with chocolate
murals and wine gum-shaped furniture. Bags of sweeties lie discreetly tucked
away in every nook and cranny, waiting to be discovered by eager junior
explorers.
The idea is that you allow the children to lose themselves in this Willy Wonka
wonderland while you relax with a good book and a glass of lightly chilled
Sancerre. That, at least, is what my wife Hilary is doing as I charge round
corners, heaving toddlers and coffee tables over my shoulders in a
white-knuckled scramble for that last packet of Fruit Salads.
A hotel room sponsored by a sweet company does have its drawbacks. No,
honestly, it does. You can’t help but feel a vague sense of exploitation
when you wake up to see an 18in man made of liquorice beaming a seductive
smile that says: “Go on, have another lemon bonbon.”
But if you can get beyond that and lose yourself in the experience, then
everything begins to make magical, sugar-coated sense.
Elsewhere in the hotel, the theme is Camelot. In Brooke’s restaurant, for
instance, those chicken nuggets are really King Arthur’s golden nuggets. The
pasta spirals in tomato sauce are actually Excaliber’s choice and the baked
potato with coleslaw is Merlin’s magical platter. At least that’s what it
says on the menu.
The big attraction is the Camelot theme park, which includes the usual
combination of roller coasters, carousels, ghost trains and funfair stalls.
The park opens for the season in April when it is too cold to hang around
for long. During the peak summer months you would need to spend the whole
day there as the queues for the rides can take up to two hours.
Beyond the gates of the hotel lies Chorley, noted for its eponymous cake.
Every town in Lancashire has a cake and they all seem to be a
none-too-imaginative variation of fly cemetery. I’m beginning to think it’s
no coincidence that famous Chorleyans include Sir Henry Tate, the sugar
magnate.
It was at Hoghton Tower, near Chorley, the historic 16th-century home of the
de Hoghton family where, in 1617, King James I famously knighted a loin of
beef to create the sirloin steak. Well, we’ve all done that after one peach
brandy too many.
Rivington country park is one of Lancashire’s finest scenic areas, with many
historic features, including the ornamental gardens of Lever park. Astley
park, Cuerden valley park and Yarrow valley park also offer walks and
outdoor activities. The Leeds-Liverpool canal provides day trips in narrow
boats, waterside pubs and the locks at Wheelton, which carry boats to the
lower regions of west Lancashire.
Blackpool, replete with its pleasure beach, tower and kiss-me-quick hats, is
nearby and so is Morecambe Bay, while the Lake District is 50 minutes away.
Other attractions include Botany Bay, a 150-year-old converted Victorian
mill which offers 300 shops.
A word of warning if you plan to stay in the Bertie Bassett suite — make sure
you leave enough room for dinner. Me, I’m off to help my dentist choose his
new Maserati.
Details: Park Hall hotel, Chorley, Lancashire (01257 455 000; www.parkhall-hotel.co.uk).
The Bertie Bassett and Cadbury suites cost from £100 per adult per night
(based on two sharing) for dinner, bed and breakfast. A £20 supplement is
applicable per night for children under 16. Leisure breaks at the hotel
include passes to the Camelot theme park.
