BY BECOMING a guest lecturer on a cruise you join a club somewhat akin to the
one that rotates around literature festivals, where, sooner or later, you're
bound to find yourself in the green room hitting the bottle with old chums
such as A. N. Wilson or Beryl Bainbridge.
Only, in the case of cruises, it tends to be former ambassadors and
archaeologists or lecturers from the National Association for Decorative &
Fine Arts Societies.
We, of course, compare notes about the deal and the facilities of the various
cruise lines and much speculation follows on one going under or, in the case
of the launching of a new cruise ship, as to who gets on it and what the
deal is.
One thing I have noticed is that, as the cruise market has extended across
the social spectrum, new categories of guest lecturer are now looked for,
ones who can teach you to paint or take photographs and inevitably anyone
who's on telly is definitely in.
I'm aware that my services are required to amuse and inform what might be
categorised as “the carriage trade”, those over 50 who have grown up with me
as part of the cultural landscape. Nothing wrong with that, although having
an incipient touch of the rocker I can bounce on stage in an acting capacity
as well as a lecturing one. I keep a little reading made up of vignettes
from my life that can get the audience screaming with laughter.
This brings me by a somewhat circuitous route to the Hebridean Spirit, whose
role is to provide comfort, pleasure and delight to its passengers rather
than put them through a course in mind improvement.
This is a really lovely ship, accommodating just 98 people at most so there's
no way that you can escape the other passengers. A cruise on Spirit is the
next best thing to having your own private yacht. The customer gets a
floating house party but minus any compulsion to join in anything. I can
fully understand the devotion of its regular customers for it offers so much
that is the antithesis of the usual cruise fare. There is a welcome absence
of frenetic activity. Peace reigns and that suits an awful lot of people,
including myself.
I have lectured on Swan Hellenic cruises, where passengers take part in a
coherent course of lectures that attempt to cover the political, cultural
and religious history of the area travelled through. There is no such
structure with Spirit, which is part of its charm. Occasionally a lecture
will set a particular place within its context but, just as easily, a
lecturer might talk about something for which he or she is well known as an
authority.
The cabins are incredibly generous so that there is no compulsion to escape
from claustrophia to occupy the public areas of the ship. You can spread
yourself. I usually set up two work stations, at one of which I paint bad
watercolours and at the other read and write. The decoration is muted with
lots of brown and beige and polished wood and the bathrooms are not
cleansing units but proper rooms with, in the main, real baths.
Scottishness is in overdrive on this ship, making me wish that I could qualify
to wear a kilt on full-dress evenings, but no luck. The cabins are all named
after Scottish islands, clans or castles, and on gala nights the haggis is
piped on in triumph with some lusty tartan-clad youth declaiming Burns's
poem and then falling upon it with a knife. After which we all get a dollop
with a wee dram of whisky.
Spirit is good on the availability of alcohol. The late Queen Mother would
have loved it. Anyone trying to dry out or in the grips of Alcoholics
Anonymous should definitely avoid Spirit. There's drink sitting around
everywhere but in the three cruises I've done I've never seen anyone the
worse for it.
There's also an engaging sense of improvisation about shipboard entertainment,
which takes place in the multipurpose lounge and also, sometimes, when the
weather is warm, on deck. I recall with delight taking part in Scottish and
country dancing, really good fun for even the most left-footed. It was
hilarious. Passengers can also sometimes be persuaded to perform. One
evening one passenger who, early in her life had been a concert pianist,
gave a magical mini-concert for us.
Cruise ships' dining arrangements can either be fixed or migratory. Having
once had to endure a week next to a man who ran a post office, who tested my
powers of making conversation virtually to extinction, I now never agree to
go on any cruise ship where I'm stuck for the duration. Spirit is quite
clever in coping with both. People who wish to sit with the same person or
group can do so.
To my mind, much of the pleasure of a cruise comes from finding yourself
sitting next to someone that you would normally never meet. Most people on
cruises are retired. With them comes a perspective on the field in which
they have passed their life. I've learnt more about the state of the health
service and education that way than from any other source. Also there are a
lot of loners like me, widows and widowers putting their lives together
after the event. I know all about that.
A note of warning for fitness freaks, of which I am one. The gym is the size
of a telephone kiosk and, although I'm pretty nifty on a Swiss ball, last
time I almost succeeded in propelling myself through a glass door.
There is a pervading sense of timelessly drifting along on Spirit. It's
incredibly relaxing and things seem to happen when they happen. Most
passengers take breakfast and lunch on deck, agreeable buffet food with a
glass of wine. Dinner is always preceded by a pleasant drinks party when we
learn what is in store for us next day. Dress for most evenings is smart
casual, ties not obligatory. But then there are the gala evenings when it's
black tie and bling.
There are so few opportunities to dress up these days that everyone does so.
The courses are many, five in fact, so I duck one and opt for fresh fruit
instead of pudding to get off the ship with my 32in waistline intact.
I'm due to do another cruise with Spirit early next year. So far I've always
returned happy and, above all, rested. These are not cruises for intensive
sightseers ticking off their Blue Guides. On Spirit the gangplank goes down
and off you go to an old town, a wine-tasting, a garden, or just to wander.
There's no hurry, no pressure, no hard sell. And that's rather marvellous
for a change isn't it?
Need to know
Sir Roy Strong sailed with Hebridean International (01756 704704, www.hebridean.co.uk).
He will be a guest speaker on the Hebridean Spirit 11-night Botanical Wonders
and Glorious Game Parks cruise from Cape Town to Durban sailing on February
26, 2009, costing from £5,775pp. This summer Hebridean Spirit is sailing the
Mediteranean and Black Sea. For example, the seven-night A Tour of Ancient
Greece and Turkey sailing on July 15 is from £3,123pp. The costs include
return flights, transfers and excursions.
