For no-gimmick healing: Somatheeram, India

If you want to find your inner - and thinner - self, trust in an ancient wisdom that really works: Ayurveda. It's been perfected in India over the past 5,000 years, so it's stood the test of time slightly longer than caviar facials. A few days at the Somatheeram Ayurvedic Beach Resort in Kovalam, Kerala, will leave you feeling physically purified, spiritually replenished and - lapsing into shameful Western thinking for a second - very, very smug about how little it costs.

Miraculous massages from £6 and fabulous coconutty fish feasts for a fiver - now that's a recipe for instant karma. Then there's the superb hilltop location, overlooking gently swishing coconut groves and the sunny Malabar Coast. But best of all it's the amazing results obtained by the medical team, with doctors diagnosing your individual dosha (constitution) and prescribing treatments accordingly.

Admittedly, Ayurveda is more intrusive than indulgent - let's just say it makes use of every orifice - and gets through more oil than a Scottish rig, but as you're slipping off the table, the years will be sliding away too. When you're not on the slab, take some yoga instruction, or laze away on a hammock, watching the fishermen go about their business. Accommodation ranges from basic rustic stone cottages to more refined wooden houses, all tucked among blossom-filled gardens.

Somatheeram Beach Resort (00 91 471 226 8101, www.somatheeram.in; doubles from £28, room only)

For real-world WAGs: Champneys, UK

Champneys is the Topshop of the spa world: the budget chain adored by the experts. That's why beauty editors, despite writing about expensive designer skincare regimes, actually cram their bathroom cabinets with lotions and potions from Champneys' own brand. The range is excellent, and it's the secret to an affordable weekend here. So don't book a big-brand facial; at £55, the Champneys version is almost a third cheaper and every bit as good.

The settings are striking, too: grand mansions in country estates dotted around pretty Hertfordshire, Hampshire, Bedfordshire and Leicestershire. The guestbooks are even more impressive - Kylie, Naomi and Posh have all signed in. True, there's more than a whiff of footballers' wives about the decor (faux-Grecian urns, swirling carpets, ribbons and bows) but, like the WAGs who love it here, everything is perfectly maintained and the OTT styling only adds to a sense of high-camp fun. Fact is, the therapists are top-notch and the complimentary facilities (saunas, steam rooms, swimming pools, gyms, tennis courts, bikes and up to 20 exercise classes daily) are first-rate.

The standard package of two nights' full board, a facial, massage, wrap and a session in the thalassotherapy pool from £300pp is great value - but for the ultimate bargain, sign up to the Late Availability e-mail alerts, which advertise heavily discounted packages with up to 50 per cent off.

Champneys (0870 330 0300, www.champneys.com)

For embarrassing ailments: Life Detox, Spain

It's not every welcome pack that includes an enema kit, but then a Life Detox retreat (which also goes under the name of Spa of Embarrassing Illnesses on UKTV) is not your average paper-knickered beauty parlour. A

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