Remember cartoon metal-heads Beavis and Butt-Head, who lived in a world
divided into that which, like, rocked and that which, er, sucked? Imagine
giving them a box of crayons and telling them to design a theme park. It’s
unlikely, I know, but suppose they actually succeeded.
Welcome to Hard Rock Park, in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.
The first theme park to be built in the United States for a decade is the
long-haired brainchild of Londoner Steven Goodwin and American Jon
Binkowski, and by rights it should, er, suck, man. First off, it bears the
Hard Rock name, as in Hard Rock Café – the tourist-trap burger joint that is
to rock’n’roll what Davina McCall is to quality entertainment.
Second, it’s in Myrtle Beach – a town famous for golf. And golf is where rock
goes to die. Third, rock’n’roll is supposed to be provocative and
disrespectful, but when the first theme park dedicated to the genre is
stuffed into Dixie’s Bible Belt – where folks keep their hair short and
their necks red – it should have as much chance as a chicken at an Alice
Cooper show.
But the deadhead duo have pulled it off, bringing the theme park from the
preschool plastic of Disney to a new age of insubordinate adolescence
through a combination of nerdy attention to detail, startling irreverence
and sly wit.
Signature ride is the Led Zeppelin coaster, designed with the divine
intervention of rock gods Page and Plant. “We met them in London,” says
Goodwin, “and told them we wanted to design a ride around a Led Zep song.
Straight off, Jimmy said it should be based on Stairway to Heaven, but
Robert said, ‘Like, no way, man. Stairway is sacred. People have it played
at their funerals, man.’ So we went with Whole Lotta Love.”
Rock and rollercoasters go together like Harley and Davidson. “We wanted to
recreate the physical feeling of the music,” says Goodwin, and your head
will be well and truly banged as you twist, turn, corkscrew and free-fall
with the throb of Page’s most lascivious lick thumping in your ears. “I know
– we’ve created a ride based on a song about sex,” shrugs Goodwin, but
that’s not the half of it.
The script of the knockabout Malibu Beach Party show requires surfer dudes to
stagger giggling from a camper van full of smoke. The toddlers’ playground
is called the Magic Mushroom Garden, and Nights in White Satin is a dark
ride replicating the hallucinogenic itinerary of an acid trip. That’s right,
readers: they’ve got theme-park rides based on sex and drugs and
rock’n’roll. You don’t get that at Disney.
Binkowski, who created the rides, is unrepentant. “It’s all part of
rock’n’roll history,” he says. “You can’t ignore the influences if you’re
going to be authentic.”
And authenticity is everywhere: from Elvis’s motorbike in a bar staffed by
tattooed punks to original sketches by John Lennon to a graffiti wall where
rock stars will be invited to achieve spray-paint immortality. Admission to
concerts in the on-site arena – Kid Rock, Charlie Daniels, George Clinton
and the Eagles are among this summer’s acts – is included in the £25
entrance fee.
Local bands play throughout the day – Goodwin aims to nurture local talent by
showcasing it at the park – and the nightly highlight is a choreographed
firework display over the Emerson Lake and Palm Trees to the sound of
Bohemian Rhapsody.
“It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever,” said Spinal Tap’s David St
Hubbins of progressive rock, and it’s a line that Goodwin and Binkowski have
walked with the cocksure swagger of a young Johnny Cash.
I came. I saw. I rocked.
Hard Rock park (00 1 843 236 7625, www.hardrockpark.com)
opens on June 2. Entry costs £25
Travel details: there are no direct flights to Myrtle Beach from the UK, but
there are several good options that involve a change of planes. Chris Haslam
travelled from Luton to Newark like a rock star, as a guest of
business-class-only airline Silverjet (0844 855 0111, www.flysilverjet.com),
which has return fares from £1,222. He flew on to Myrtle Beach with
Continental (0845 607 6760, www.continental.com),
which has fares from £134 return. The most direct route is with US Airways
(0845 600 3300, www.usairways.co.uk)
from Gatwick or Heathrow, via Charlotte, from £423.
Oceanfront suites at the kitsch Sea Dip motel (00 1-843 626 3591, www.seadip.com)
cost from £20 per night, and a two-bedroom sea-view suite at the luxury
Island Vista (800 854 5426, www.islandvista.com)
costs from £107.
Emmerson Lake and Palm Trees??? I think that they just might have crossed (and obliterated) the fine line between stupid and clever with that one.
Susanna, Sandusky, Ohio, US