Let me take you away from all this, ma chérie. Let us fly to a little place I know, an intimate escape from the cares of this world, where our love may bloom like the bougainvillea, our hearts burn like the sunset, our passion be fulfilled like a ...

Yes, all right, I’ll stop there.

You get the drift. If you want to kindle new love, or rekindle old, there’s nothing like a romantic break. But, and I speak from experience here, hotels are not the answer.

The problem, as with so many things in life, is Other People. Sure, there are honourable exceptions, but, in general, a romantic break at a hotel goes like this.

Best hotels for dirty weekends

Need a naughty weekend away? Stephen Bleach reveals the world’s sauciest hotels

Background

• Three Paris hotels for romance

• Italian palaces, villas and farmhouses

• A splendid Spanish house party

• Europe's coolest hotels

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• Find more romantic hotels and hideaways

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• Best hotels for dirty weekends

On the first night, you make quite a lot of noise. Relaxing after the initial flurry of excitement, you realise you can hear the neighbours through the walls – which means they can hear you – so the rest of your nights are spent in passionless silence, to the soundtrack of other people’s ablutions.

On day two, you are befriended by a crushingly dull couple from Basildon, who join you at every meal, organise day trips and are keen to “stay in touch when we get home”. On day five, you split up.

The answer? A place of your own. A secluded villa for two, maybe, tucked away in the countryside; or an anonymous little cottage in an unspoilt village, with thick walls and a baker down the lane who makes fresh croissants for your well-earned breakfast. No kids, nobody from Basildon and no chance of being overheard – whatever you get up to.

It’s much more romantic – and, as it happens, better value. Time it right, out of the late-July and August peak season, and you can find some glorious hidey-holes going as cheap as chips. And if you want to splash out, serious villa luxury costs a fraction of the hotel equivalent.

Places are going fast – but there are idyllic love nests to be had if you act now. We’ve found a dirty dozen of the slushiest, smoochiest and downright sexiest hideaways on the Continent.

Unless stated, all rentals are for a week

A WINDMILL IN SANTORINI

It’s quirky, it’s cool and it’s arguably the most romantic place to stay on the most romantic island in the Aegean. The Windmill (and yes, it still has the sails to prove it) is three circular floors of whitewashed authenticity, with cracking views over to Ios, Naxos and Amorgos. It’s posh, too, with a pool, air-con, an espresso machine and a gorgeous sunny terrace.

The kitchen garden has plentiful crops of figs, tomatoes, aubergines and cucumbers, so help yourself and run up a salad. Or head for the small sandy beach with a taverna, 800yd away. If you’re feeling extra-smoochy, the owners will book you a sunset supper cruise in the caldera. (Yes, it’s corny, but it does the job.) It’s a classy place, with a price tag to match: £283 per day in June, with The Little Domain (www.thelittledomain.com). Fly direct from Gatwick or Manchester with XL (0871 911 4220, www.xl.com) or FlyThomasCook (www.flythomascook.com). Opodo (www.opodo.co.uk) has car hire for about £105.

A TOWER IN CORSICA

It’s like something out of Rapunzel, but without the wicked witch. La Tour de Calanca is a 15th-century watchtower, built to defend the Corsican coast against marauders. Now a snug hideaway for two, it’s still the real medieval deal, arrow slits, crenellations and all.

The panoramic views from the roof terrace over the rocky headlands and blue waters of the gulf of Valinco served a strategic purpose then; now, it’s a romantic one. Military architects weren’t big on pools, but that’s no loss: a short stroll down a private path brings you to a gorgeous sandy cove, perfect for moonlit swims. For a bit of life, twee Olmeto and busy Propriano are a short drive away, but we’d recommend pulling up the drawbridge and letting your hair down. Simply Travel (0871 231 4041, www.simplytravel.co.uk) has the week from May 11 for £699pp, including flights from London and car hire.

PERFECT PERIGORD

If you had to design a blueprint for the classic French village, Domme would be it. It’s a medieval hilltop bastide, perched on a cliff over the River Dordogne. Its ancient buildings are perfectly preserved, its 13th-century ramparts are mostly intact – and snuggling down inside them is La Combe, a restored cottage with yellow stone walls, pink shutters and a score of 11 on the cute-o-meter.

The floors are wooden, the furniture’s rustic and, if you wander up the oak spiral staircase to the bedroom, the views out over the valley are formidable – just the thing to contemplate as you laze in the morning, waiting for your loved one to bring home the brioche.

For sustenance later on, there are good restaurants in the village, including the splendid L’Esplanade. If you can rouse yourselves, the chateaux, caves, beauty and history of the Dordogne are on the doorstep. Or there’s the bed, the view and each other. Tough choice.

It’s a heartwarmingly cheap £350 in May, June or September, with Holiday Lets (01234 756945, www.holidaylets.net). Ryanair (www.ryanair.com) and Flybe (0871 700 2000, www.flybe.com) fly to Bergerac from 10 UK airports. Holiday Autos (www.holidayautos.co.uk) has car hire for about £140.

A TRULLO IN PUGLIA

Can a trullo – one of those little conical hobbit houses you see dotted around Puglia – really be romantic? Don’t take our word for it: one of the neighbours’ daughters has declared her intention to use Trullo Zingaro as the backdrop for her wedding photos. It’s a model restoration, the perfect blend of comfort and character – space and cool stone inside, olive groves cascading down the terraced hillside outside.

Problem: it’s semidetached, with another trullo next door. Solution: clever landscaping and separate parking keep them feeling secluded, and the dividing wall is 5ft thick. Make as much noise as you like. It’s a walk to a wisteria-covered restaurant, a short drive to sandy beaches and freshly grilled seafood. You’ve got to keep your strength up, after all. With Long Travel (01694 722193, www.long-travel.co.uk), the price is £690 in May, including car hire. Fly from Stansted to Brindisi or Bari with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com).

CUTE IN CRETE

For the same money as one night at a swanky hotel, you can have a week of seductive Cretan simplicity. Panayiotis House, in the hamlet of Ayios Pavlos, is a little charmer. It’s an old family home, all whitewashed stone and tiled floors, but the best bit is the vine-covered courtyard and terrace, with a well, a walnut tree (eat as many as you like), a barbecue and lovely views.

It’s in a quiet hamlet half a mile from the ancient village of Gavalohori, which has a bakery, tavernas and kafenions dotted around the sleepy square. If you’re not getting enough exercise at home, there’s good windsurfing just two miles away, on the coast at Almirida. It’s a steal, too – Freelance (0845 094 8871, www.freelance-holidays.co.uk) has it for £220 in early May or £310 in June. Thomsonfly (0870 190 0737, www.thomsonfly.com) and XL (0871 911 4220, www.xl.com) fly to Chania from Manchester and Gatwick: EasyCar (www.easycar.co.uk) has a compact for about £105.

A LOVE NEST IN THE DORDOGNE

Once doves cooed here; now you can. Le Pigeonnier is, as you’d guess, a pigeon loft. Don’t worry, they’ve moved out since it was built in the 18th century, and it’s now a three-storey, one-bedroom hideaway on the owner’s estate. His house, where he holds tastings of the local Bergerac wines, is 500yd away; apart from that, there’s nothing but farmland all about.

The interior’s on the simple side, but your money isn’t buying designer fittings, it’s buying charm. You get stacks of it, from the spiral staircase to the wooden beams and the views over quiet countryside from the first-floor terrace, for scandalously small amounts of cash: just £215 in May, with VFB (01452 716840, www.vfbholidays.co.uk), and that includes ferry crossings.

A WATERMILL IN CANTABRIA

Physically and spiritually, you don’t get much further in Spain from the Costa del Sol than this. It’s all green hills and rural peace up here; and, tucked away in the tiny hamlet of Casamaria, a few miles from the rugged coast of the Bay of Biscay, Casa Suspino is the place to savour it. Now converted into a one-bedroom cottage, this cute stone watermill made flour for the locals for 300 years, and the River Suspino still runs by the building – play the great provider by nabbing a few trout while you’re here.

If you’re walkers, the spectacular Picos de Europa are nearby; if you’re strollers, 10 minutes will take you to a cracking traditional Asturian restaurant, Casa Vazquez; and if you’re bathers, there are charming sandy beaches at Pechon and La Franca. If you’re just romantics, sit back with a glass of the excellent local wine, listen to the whisper of the river and do what comes naturally. The price is £350 in May, with Spanish Affair (020 7385 8127, www.spanishaffair.com); fly to Santander from Stansted or Dublin with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com). Car Rentals (www.carrentals.co.uk) has a week’s hire for about £130.

A ROW ON LAKE COMO

There’s something intoxicating about the Italian lakes, and none more so than Como: Wordsworth could be inclined to the effusive, but when he called it “a treasure the earth keeps to itself”, he wasn’t far wrong. At Casa Dell’Architetto, right by the water, the magic of the place hits you with full force. From your bedroom, you look straight onto the lake’s only island, Isola Comacina, its wooded slopes framed by a backdrop of brooding peaks.

But you needn’t just lie there gawping at it: you’ve got your own rowing boat, so Comacina and the stunning shoreline are yours to explore. The house is modern, but the lines are softened by vines and creepers, and you don’t have to be a poet for the surroundings to stir your soul. Prices start at £960 in June, with Vivid Italy (0871 855 1565, www.vividitaly.co.uk). You can fly to Milan from more than a dozen UK airports with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com) or EasyJet (www.easyjet.co.uk). Erentals (www.erentals.co.uk) has car hire for about £135, picking up at Malpensa airport.

A PALACE IN PALMA

If you want total isolation, this isn’t for you. But if you want a private historic hidey-hole in one of the Med’s liveliest and most underrated cities, it certainly is. The abysmal modern blocks of Magaluf and S’Arenal, down the coast, have tarnished the reputation of Palma de Mallorca – but the old town is a treat, with a tangle of well-preserved lanes, a world-class gothic cathedral and a buzzing, sophisticated bar and restaurant scene.

At the heart of it all, your retreat is San Pere, a stylish apartment in a 1,000-year-old Moorish palace, with beamed ceilings, an open fireplace and a private terrace. When you want to get out of town for a day at the beach, car hire is included – or, for an extra-romantic trip, take the sweet little narrow-gauge train that clunks up through the Tramuntana mountains to Soller. The price is £926 in May, June or September, with Mallorca Farmhouses (0845 800 8080, www.mfh.co.uk). Thomsonfly (0870 190 0737, www.thomsonfly.com) and FlyThomasCook (www.flythomascook.com) serve Palma from about 20 airports in the UK.

COOL IN CEPHALONIA

Look away now, Barbara Cartland readers: this one’s downright sexy. Villa Zouzouni was built only last year, but it’s already been booked (almost) solid by loved-up couples who like a bit of designer style with their smooching. It’s verging on mimimalist inside, with grey slate floors, white walls, chrome fittings ... and blue water.

The last of these being the pool, which starts in the living room, flows outside through a gap in the walls and turns a sharp corner to run the length of the house, overlooking the sea. It’s a spectacular feature, letting you swim from the sofa out to the terrace – though you can enjoy the sunsets just as easily from your bed, thanks to the floor-to-ceiling windows. The beach, and the restaurants of Fiscardo, are 10 minutes away in the 4WD that comes with the property. Dive in now to bag the last remaining weeks: Exclusive Escapes (020 8605 3500, www.exclusiveescapes.co.uk) has it for £1,200pp in September, including flights from London and transfers.

A VILLA IN SORRENTO

A private infinity pool for two, sculpted into the mountainside, set in flower-strewn gardens perched high over the Bay of Naples – if that doesn’t give you a few ideas, you’re just not trying. Oh, and it comes with a luxury cottage, too. Perla is on a cliff, three miles from Sorrento, and very charming it is too, but it’s the outside that takes the breath away.

As well as the pool, there’s a terrific terrace for alfresco dinners, with a view over the bay that will have you dribbling pasta sauce down your chest. The position makes you gasp, the price makes you wince – £2,138 in May, with Wimco (0870 850 1144, www.wimco.com) – but ever since Rome’s chattering classes moved in 2,000 years ago, style hasn’t come cheap round here. FlyThomasCook (www.flythomascook.com) serves Naples from eight UK airports; or try EasyJet (www.easyjet.com) or BMI (0870 607 0555, www.flybmi.com). EasyCar (www.easycar.co.uk) has a compact for about £120.

ULTIMATE UMBRIA

You can’t put a price on love, but if you could, four grand a week should buy you something pretty serious. It does. Colombaia, at the highest level of the 3,000-acre Reschio estate, is an ultra-luxurious cottage, purpose-built for two. Inside, it’s huge and elegant – we love the red-walled, wood-floored bedroom and the designer bathroom – and outside the three terraces look down magisterially over two fairy-tale Umbrian valleys.

Private pool, natch: an infinity one, built into the rock and protruding over the hillside above a mazy pattern of woods, vineyards and olive groves. You get maid service, private chef on request, designer everything and all the six-star trappings – but can it really be worth £4,415 a week in May, or more than £5,000 in June? That depends what you do with it. Book with Abercrombie & Kent (0845 070 0618, www.abercrombiekent.co.uk), which will throw in flights and car hire for that money. As well it should.

All details were correct at the time of going to press

True love waits...

For our money, Bournella, on Corfu, is the sexiest love nest of the lot – but word has got out, and it’s booked solid all summer. They’re taking reservations for 2009, though, and you might want to get in sharpish. Architect-designed in wood and stone, it’s laid out around a sloping-bottomed infinity pool, with a canopied day bed on the vast shaded deck and an outdoor home-cinema screen, so you can watch movies as you wallow.

The bedroom is set in a circular stone tower, with a shaded spa bath ingeniously hidden in the base. Even going to make a snack is an adventure – the outdoor kitchen is reached by a wooden bridge. It’s witty, it’s luxurious, it’s downright glamorous, and a week in May next year starts at £1,249, with Meon Villas (0871 664 0257, www.meonvillas.com).

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