The Caribbean should be like apple pie and custard – warm, just slightly spicy and utterly undemanding.

Ideally, holidays there involve nothing more strenuous than flying and flopping – and an easy flight, at that. You want to swap grey skies for blue seas in half a day, thanks. You don’t want to spend 18 hours clambering from jumbo jet to seaplane to motorboat to taxi, finally arriving at some tropical hideaway only to find that it’s still a 10-minute trudge from the beach.

So, the recipe for Caribbean happiness is this: Take one direct flight. Add the shortest possible transfer at the other end, which will take you to the best hotels. Dust gently with fine white sand and add clear blue water. Put the whole mixture into a tropical oven and allow to brown gently. It’s as easy as pie.

— Unless stated, prices are per person for a week, B&B, in January, and include flights and transfers

ANTIGUA

Go because: “This is, without exception, the prettiest little harbour I ever saw. It presents such a combination of tropical beauty, and English style and spirit, as I never saw elsewhere in the West Indies.” So said Coleridge – not the junkie poet, but his sober brother, Bishop William. In those days, it took three weeks by Falmouth Packet to reach English Harbour. This winter, with a following wind, you’ll be on the beach in 10hr 45min.

Stay at: the Inn at English Harbour (www.theinn.ag), 45 minutes from the airport. Perhaps the “Inn” and “English” in the name give away some of the ambience of this comfy spot, with its four-poster beds, dark wood floors and cool white linens. The beach is small but exclusive, and afternoon tea is served on the lawn. The price is £1,499 with Virgin Holidays (0871 222 5825, www.virginholidays.co.uk)

Too far? Try Hermitage Bay (www.hermitagebay.com), on the sheltered west coast. With a young driver and a hot ride, you can skip reception and be on the beach half an hour after collecting your bags. Very discreet and very stylish, it has 25 suites, split between Hillside (great views and private plunge pools) and Beach (self-explanatory), set in 10 acres of tropical gardens above a dazzling white-sand beach. The price is £2,839 with Exsus (020 7292 5050, www.exsus.com).

BAHAMAS

Go because: the islands offer everything from candle-lit, Seychelles-style seclusion to neon-lit, Miami-style sophistication. Being so close to the USA, the Bahamas have a definite American feel about them: on the upside, this means standards of service are far higher than on the more laid-back islands, and the cocktails are substantially larger; on the downside, there’s an awful lot of plaid.

Stay at: Pink Sands (www.pinksandsresort.com), on Harbour Island. Life seems so perfect at this louche collection of cottages (designed by Barbara Hulanicki, of Biba fame), you’ll feel you’re seeing the world through rose-tinted Roberto Cavalli spectacles. You’re not. The beach really is pink. Getting here bends the fly-and-flop rule – Harbour Island is a 15-minute flight from Nassau International, and there’s a 20-minute transfer – but the Bahamas are just seven hours from your rain-washed street, so you have time to spare. The price is £2,254 with Caribtours (www.caribtours.co.uk; 020 7751 0660).

Too far? Try Compass Point (www.compasspointbahamas.com), a collection of 18 rainbow-coloured beach huts clustered on Love Beach and 10 minutes from the airport. Some are on stilts, others are right on the water’s edge – and, despite their hippie-dippy, love-shack simplicity, they’re packed with the latest flatscreen, hi-fi and WiFi distractions. You might even spot a pop star – Compass Point was established by thefounder of Island Records, Chris Blackwell, as a flophouse for the recording studio next door. The rock’n’roll lifestyle costs £1,319 with Virgin Holidays (0871 222 5825, www.virginholidays.co.uk).

BARBADOS

Go because: there are no distractions. In fact, let’s do the tour right now. Ready? Starting in the north, you’ll see the Atlantic on your right and Cliff Richard on your left. Heading along the east coast, we reach Bathsheba, where you can’t swim unless you’re either suicidal or a surfer. Breeze through Bridgetown – a town with a bridge – stock up at the Mount Gay rum factory and proceed into St James parish, where the ancient monument on the left is Michael Winner. That’s it, tour over. Now can we go to the beach?

Stay at: Treasure Beach (www.treasurebeachhotel.com) on Payne’s Beach, which is quite simply the most perfect stretch of sparkling, azure-lapped, emerald-fringed, caster-sugar white sand in Barbados. There’s none of your minimalist, low-fat, feng-shui nonsense here, just 35 luxury suites, arranged around a pool that would be lovely anywhere else, but looks like Nora Batty lying alongside Keira Knightley when compared with that beach. The transfer time is 45 minutes – and the price is £2,005 with British Airways Holidays (0870 243 3406, www.baholidays.com).

Too far? Stay at Silver Sands (www.silversandsbarbados.com), in the southern resort of Maxwell, a secret sanctuary amid the cut-price, all-inclusive temples to western obesity along the Bajan south coast. Next door to the Bougainvillea, and sharing its facilities, Silver Sands offers huge self-catering suites with sea views, a lovely sliver of casuarina-shaded beach and a pool. What’s more, it’s 15 minutes from the airport and five from the Friday-night fish-fry at Oistins. The Caribbean doesn’t come easier than this. The price is £699 with Hayes & Jarvis (0871 664 0246, www.hayesandjarvis.co.uk).

GRAND CAYMAN

Go because: the Caymans have a lot to brag about. First off, they claim to have the best diving in the Caribbean, from feeding time at Stingray City to the stomach-churning 6,000ft drop-off at Bloody Bay Wall. They boast of the best strand in the Caribbean, the indisputably delightful Seven Mile Beach – and, since that faces west, they also claim the best sunsets. Despite the joke that this is Florida’s southernmost Key, with golf courses, cruise ships and supersized American snowbirds, there’s just enough Englishness left here to make a decent cup of tea.

Stay at: the RitzCarlton resort (www.ritzcarlton.com). If the shameless enjoyment of branded luxury is what you deserve, by crikey, you’ll find it here. The RitzCarlton is a worse name-dropper than Jonathan Ross, with a Greg Norman golf course, a La Prairie spa, a Nick Bollettieri tennis centre, an Eric Ripert restaurant and snorkelling excursions with Jean-Michel Cousteau’s Ambassadors of the Environment. The 144-acre resort also has a top-class kids’ club, and it’s just 15 minutes from the airport. The price is £2,179 with Tropical Sky (01293 766347, www.tropicalsky.co.uk).

Too far? Try the Hyatt Regency (www.grandcayman.hyatt.com), five minutes nearer the airport, bang in the middle of gorgeous Seven Mile Beach and three minutes from the duty-free shops of the capital, George Town. Names dropped include Jack Nicklaus, Hemingway and La Mer, and refer to the bar, the spa and the golf course. Although not necessarily in that order. The price is £1,897 with Kuoni (01306 747008, www.kuoni.co.uk).

GRENADA

Go because: you need a little spice in your life. Step off the plane at Point Salines and the intoxicating aroma of nutmeg hits you like a blast from a baker’s oven. By the time you arrive at your hotel, your doughy, jet-lagged body has been infused with the aromas of cinnamon, cloves and ginger. All you have to do now is sit in the sun and bake until brown.

Stay at: the Spice Island Beach Resort (www.spicebeachresort.com), owned and run by the chairman of the Caribbean Alliance for Sustainable Tourism, Royston Hopkin. Set amid lemon, almond and sea-grape groves, it is 15 minutes from the airport and has all the usual luxuries ... but they’re irrelevant. You’re here for the beach. Forget what the Caymans say about Seven Mile Beach – Grand Anse beach has spent more time in top 10 lists than the Rolling Stones. An all-inclusive week costs £2,102pp with Harlequin (0845 450 6433, www.harlequinholidays.com).

Too far? Try Calabash (www.calabashhotel.com), a mere 10 minutes from the airport. Described as the grande dame of Grenadian hotels, this refined stalwart is an oasis of quietly understated English luxury. Days start with breakfast on your terrace, watching flying fish skim the bay, then drift gently out of focus until four in the afternoon, when everything stops for tea. Then cocktails, followed by dinner in Gary Rhodes’s on-site restaurant, followed by a postprandial snifter, before you head to the on-site club for a night of bangin’ techno. I lied about the club. The price is £1,775 with Carrier (0161 491 7620, www.carrier.co.uk).

JAMAICA

Go because: the heart of the Caribbean beats in Jamaica. It’s a Bounty bar dunked in Malibu and washed down with a can of Lilt for a seriously easy-going, totally tropical taste of paradise. Other islands play up their colonial connections, but not Jamaica. This is the land of reggae, Rastafarians and rum, a huge island with mountains, rivers and waterfalls in an intoxicating hinterland that you’re not going to bother exploring because you flew here to flop. Fair enough – it’s your holiday, so stay put in Montego Bay.

Stay at: Round Hill (www.roundhilljamaica.com), hotel of choice for Noël Coward, Clark Gable and Goldie Hawn. The general manager, Josef Forstmayr, is the kind of hotelier who gets fan mail from breathless clients, and his resort, 25 minutes from the airport, comprises the Pineapple House hotel and 27 individually decorated villas – including two, High Rock and Cottage 26, owned by Ralph Lauren – overlooking the pragmatically named Sea and Sand beach. A week in the hotel starts at £1,478 with The Ultimate Travel Company (020 7386 4646, www.ultimatetravelcompany.co.uk).

Too far? Try the Coyaba Beach resort (www.coyabaresortjamaica.com), a little treasure set on its own beach, just a 10-minute drive from the airport. Two types of guests stay at this unpretentious, family-run hotel: those who come every year, and those who’ve just found it. All are unbearably smug, sipping their cocktails, swinging in their hammocks and grinning like monkeys, and with good reason. Not only does Coyaba do what it says on the tin, it’s superb value: £814pp for a week, all-inclusive, with Thomson Holidays (0870 165 0079, www.thomson.co.uk).

ST BARTS

Go because: St Barts, an emerald dug up from the Côte d’Azur and set in sapphire Caribbean seas, is a new entry on the fly-and-flop register. Getting here used to involve flying to Antigua – 85 miles southeast – and either wasting an entire day waiting for a scheduled connection or blowing the ice-cream money on a private charter. But this winter, a new flight connects directly with the BA arrival, bringing this most sophisticated of isles within reach of all.

Stay at: Eden Rock (www.edenrockhotel.com). If you’re coming to St Barts, you should be prepared to glam it up. And this resort, which has hosted Greta Garbo and Tom Hanks, knows all about glam. Huddled on a rocky outcrop 10 minutes from the airstrip, a short swim from hypertrendy Nikki Beach, it comprises startlingly attractive suites and delightful beachfront cottages. The price is £2,790 with Seasons in Style (01244 202000, www.seasonsinstyle.com).

Too far? You’re being difficult now. But if you insist on somewhere closer, try Villa Oxygen, five minutes from the airport. Exactly 11 steps from St Jean Beach, the villa sleeps four and costs £2,114 for a week with Wimco (0870 850 1144, www.wimco.com). British Airways (0870 850 9850, www.ba.com) flies to Antigua from £561 return, and the hop-over with Winair (00 590 590 276101, www.fly-winair.com) costs £150.

ST KITTS AND NEVIS

Go because: last time I was on St Kitts, I overheard two local ladies quizzing a fisherman called Benjamin, who had apparently assisted an exceedingly tired and emotional female celebrity back to her room after a night on the local CSR – Cane Spirit Rothschild – at a beach bar called Mr X’s Shiggidy Shack. Benjamin, it seemed, had been the perfect gentleman. “You didn’t stay with her?” cried the ladies. “Fool – she could have taken you to Los Angeles and made you a rich man.” Benjamin stared across the white sands and over the sparkling ocean to the emerald cone of Mount Liamuiga. “Now, why would I want to be a rich man in Los Angeles?” he replied.

Stay at: if you weren’t so lazy, I’d recommend taking the ferry to Nevis and a 20-minute taxi ride to Newcastle bay, on the unspoilt north coast. For that little bit of extra effort, you could have enjoyed a week at the Nisbet Plantation Beach Club (www.nisbetplantation.com), a charming, slightly chaotic little spot where you would have been entranced by the charming staff and mesmerised by the lovely beach. A week here would have cost you £1,946 with Jetlife (0871 902 7877, www.jetlife.com).

Too far? Try the Golden Lemon (www.goldenlemon.com), 40 minutes from the airport. Local history says that this elegant 17th-century beachside plantation house was opened as a hotel in 1963 by a former decorating editor of House & Garden magazine, but a glance around this antique-strewn treasure trove suggests an altogether more piratical publication: Skull & Crossbone, perhaps? Expect split-level suites, plunge pools and walls hung with loot from the Spanish Main. No UK operators offer the Golden Lemon, so book flights with Excel Airways (0870 320 7777, www.xl.com) for £299. Doubles at the hotel (00 1 869 465 7260, www.goldenlemon.com) start at £173.

ST LUCIA

Go because: when all things are considered, St Lucia is still the loveliest of all the isles. It is less of an island and more of a semi-submerged tropical Alp, and its vertiginous topography has deterred the developers. Even now, the only high-rises on the island are the Pitons, jagged volcanic peaks that rise like spinach-stained dragon’s teeth 2,000ft into the clear blue sky. The sheer beauty of it all prompted Mrs Haslam to sing the Belinda Carlisle hit Heaven Is a Place on Earth. Repeatedly. For the entire trip.

Stay at: Discovery at Marigot Bay (www.discoverystlucia.com). With a 90-minute transfer from the airport – bearing in mind that St Lucians drive like snails riding tortoises in a race to be last – this bends the fly-and-flop rule to breaking point, but when you see the view from your balcony, not only will you forgive me, you’ll probably want to bring me back a present. That’s all I’m going to say, except that I like rum. The price is £1,381 with Caribtours (020 7751 0660, www.caribtours.co.uk).

Too far? Sorry, but you’ll just have to accept the fact that St Lucia’s airport is at least 60 minutes from any hotel worth your patronage. If you fancy staying on the beach, try the Jalousie Plantation (www.jalousie-hilton.com), on a tiny, albeit imported, white-sand beach right between the Pitons. Ideal for families, it’s an hour from the airport, and a deal at £1,454 with Thomas Cook Signature (0870 443 4441, www.tcsignature.com).

TOBAGO

Go because: a friend holidays in Tobago every year. Why? “Oh, it’s the beaches, I suppose,” she explains. “And that warm, clear water. And the relaxed lifestyle. Days down there go on for ever, and I like the people. They’re friendly and fun – I like going to the goat races – and Tobago is so lush.” An unremarkable response, you might say, until you learn that she lives on a beach. On Antigua.

Stay at: the Blue Haven Hotel (www.bluehavenhotel.com), Tobago’s glamorous answer to Eden Rock, on St Barts, and Round Hill, on Jamaica. All but surrounded by the sea, this became the coolest hotel in the Caribbean after Robert Mitchum and Deborah Kerr dropped in to film Heaven Knows, Mr Allison in 1957. Half a century later, it still is. The rooms are simple, the food is sublime, the beach looks like a film set and it’s half an hour from the airport. The price is £789 with Just Tobago (01373 814234, www.justtobago.co.uk).

Too far? How about a villa just two minutes from the demerara sands of Turtle Beach? Courland Villa is an airy, plantation-style property – wooden walls, tin roof, wraparound verandas – that sleeps 10 and has its own pool. The Mount Irvine golf course is 10 minutes away and, if you come in March, you’ll see giant leatherback turtles nesting on the beach. The price for the entire villa for a week is £2,000 with Fleewinter (020 7112 0019, www.fleewinter.com). Return flights with Excel Airways (0870 320 7777, www.xl.com) are £312.

Want more Windies?

The current issue of The Sunday Times Travel Magazine (£3.40 from all good newsagents) features a 26-page Total Guide to the Caribbean