It's a feast: an alfresco banquet of chicken curry, Thai vegetables and
tropical fruit, served on board a sun-licked boat above a reef. But not one
of the passengers touches a morsel.
We gaze at the spread adoringly until Tim Warmath, a London-based recruitment
expert, finally cracks and grabs a slice of watermelon. “It’s OK,” he
explains. “I’m only going to suck. It’s just juice. It’s allowed.”
The food voyeurism and abstinence are easily explained. We’re on the Thai
island of Koh Samui for a detoxification fast — seven days for most, 17 for
Canadian engineer Dean Janzen — and not a sliver of mango, certainly not
chicken curry, can pass our lips.
We can, however, swallow 35 bentonite clay drinks and 105 herbal laxatives to
help the cleanse, along with 105 vitamin and mineral supplements. We’ll also
consume 560 pints (318 litres) of coffee, squirted up our behinds to flush
out toxins.
If it sounds like hell, particularly in a country with a reputation for spicy
food, then I’m a sucker for punishment. It’s a return visit: my second bout
of starvation that Gordon Ramsay would describe in F-words — and they
wouldn’t include fast.
But it wasn’t hair-shirt masochism driving me back to the coconut palms and
humid heat. My first detox had dramatic results. I shed lard, boosted my
energy and ironed out several wrinkles. Surprisingly, it was also an
entertaining holiday with an eclectic bunch of travellers: Aussie Mez, who
was so hungry that she considered eating her apricot moisturiser; “Pipeline
Pete”, a man mountain from Texas on his tenth fast; and Anthony from
Ipswich, who passed a marble he had swallowed as a child.
Now, exactly a decade later, I wanted to see how it compared — because the Spa
itself has received major cosmetic surgery. Instead of one beach resort with
a hippy vibe and several tatty A-frames, there are now two centres on the
island: the vastly improved, if slightly claustrophobic, original, and the
smarter Spa Village, its chalets spread through the jungle on a nearby
mountain.
A third spa, including a retirement village, will open in 2009 near Chiang
Mai, taking the value of the complexes to £5 million. The company’s DIY
cleansing regime is also being franchised out to a new resort on Koh Chang.
A few more and the Spa could become the Starbucks of colonic irrigation —
although a skinny latte enema is as yet unavailable.
What hasn’t changed is the pre-trip preparation: two weeks without booze,
pasta, caffeine, meat and dairy products, unleashing headaches, stiff
muscles and an alarming erotic dream about Vanessa Feltz. At least I stick
to the diet. Last time, after a surprise upgrade, I demolished roast goose,
cheese, port, champagne, Baileys and chocolate en-route to the detox.
I opt to stay in the newer, more luxurious Village — a tropical Château
d’Yquem to Spa Beach’s Blue Nun. My teak bungalow with serene views of the
Gulf of Thailand has a king-size bed, air-con, a huge deck and outdoor
massage sala, along with a TV showing movies including Fast Food Nation, and
Inside Britain’s Fattest Man. It will never be Chiva Som — some bathrooms
clearly need a makeover — but with chalets starting at £14 a night, nor are
the prices.
Within a day it’s clear that while my fellow fasters may be older and more
professional than before, they’re no less cosmopolitan or entertaining.
Where else could a UN aid worker, an Australian fashion photographer, a Hong
Kong banker, a retired Brit and a chic Mexican party organiser discuss the
contents of their intestines?
“Passed any bright yellow buttons?” asks American property developer David
Smart over what would have been breakfast.
Colonics became something of an obsession. Anthony’s marble has achieved cult
status, and rumours circulate of a subsequent visitor who passed a toy
soldier — with bayonet attached. Andie Stafford, a slim Londoner, is hoping
to get rid of a Scrabble piece she swallowed years ago.
I, however, just want to relax and emerge unscathed. For the first few days I
crave coffee and contemplate drinking rather than squirting the cleansing
solution. As toxins are expelled, I spend days four and five with a shocking
sore throat. Mike Taylor, a 17-stone (108kg) former rugby player, has the
same symptoms, along with a splitting headache. Other have mood swings and
muscle aches.
I find more trauma in the jungle enveloping my chalet. It squeaks, rattles and
hums, as well as supplying unwanted room service. It starts with a
millipede, followed by an oversized gecko, a praying mantis and finally a
mosquito that bites my left buttock mid-flush. It’s a tricky one to scratch.
Hunger is less of a problem. After 36 hours digestive enemas hibernate and
stomachs shrink. It’s taste rather than actual food that people miss. When
the Spa shows Supersize Me on the in-house movies, guests start
hallucinating about McDonald’s. I find Shelley Evans, a 32-year-old
Londoner, stroking the restaurant menu and sniffing ketchup bottles. “I was
fine until the evil bitch in the next chalet put on Supersize Me. Now I’m
obsessed with cheeseburgers.”
But there are distractions. I snorkel off nearby Koh Tan and spend hours in
Koh Samui’s vast Tesco. It’s incredible, with Buddhist monks blessing the
in-store bowling lanes and a ladyboy behind one of the tills — something I
haven’t seen in Clapham.
There are also myriad activities at the Spa, from yoga, meditation and massage
to therapies guaranteed to make your GP roll his eyes: numerology life
reading and the ancient Chinese exercise chi gung, although the instructor
is away “recharging his energy in India”.
By the time I break the fast — with raw fruit and vegetables rather than the
lunatic bottle of Mekong whisky I downed last time — I feel amazing. I have
brighter eyes, tighter jowls and have lost about a stone, half as much as
David, who says: “It feels like taking off a 30lb backpack.” Shelley and
Andie have lost less — they had less to lose — but in the right places.
“It’s gone from the bloated stomach and thighs,” says Andie, “where women
want to lose it.”
So did anyone rival Anthony’s marble? Mike, who morphed from alternative
health cynic to evangelist, passed pieces of plastic bag — “I sometimes chew
them” — but the real shocker was Dean’s 18in tapeworm. “I didn’t know what
the hell it was. Now I’m wondering if there are any more up there. And, more
important, did they mate?”
Need to know
Ian Belcher travelled with Opodo (0871 2770090, www.opodo.co.uk),
which offers flights to Koh Samui via Bangkok from £763 return. Spa
Village (00 6677 424 666, www.spasamui.com)
on Koh Samui has double chalets from £14 a night. The one-week
Clean-Me-Out Fast programme costs about £150. A Semi Fast three-day learning programme
is also offered for £100.
I wanted to go to this same place (Koh Samui) for 5 years and finally went last july. I fasted for 8 days. I passed big ...unrecognizable things and lost 16 pounds. My skin glowed and my energy was amazing afterwards! Food becomes a religious experience! It changed how i viewed food!
Nicole , Edmonton, Canada
An interesting article but not as good as the first one 10 years ago. How ever, it has wetted my appitite [interest wise, not food].
I am on the fence as far as the health values of colonic irrigation go, but I will try it in case it can help improve my appearence.
I am a none drinker and have always eaten sensibly and keep fit having been a soldier for over 30 years so I should imagen my colon is fairly clean, but wonder what else is up there.
Yes I will definetly try it, That is if my wife will come and hold my hand.
Dennos
ps> Will or Increase my frequency of farting?
D Budd, Colchester, Essex
I always find these stories of people clearing out toxins or 'mucoid plaques' and objects swallowed years before very peculiar. I had the misfortune to require a colonoscopy recently and had to fast for a day and take a strong laxative in preparation. Nothing unusual came out of me and certainly no objects, plaques etc. I then had the opportunity to watch on a large screen as my intestine was explored up to the terminal ileum. It appeared to be a completely clean and empty, smooth looking tunnel.
It is of course possible that I am just unusually lucky to have a very clean intestine and not accumulate the plaques etc. that naturopaths say most people have inside them. However I would suggest that the advice of anyone who tells you that your intestine needs cleaning should be viewed with scepticism.
Caroline, London,
Sounds disgusting and slightly perverse...although I did swallow a 5p piece when I was younger. Perhaps the interest will have accrued...
Liz Scott, Hastings, UK
Bentonite? I once lived in the part of Wyoming where the stuff is mined. It's ancient volcanic ash that landed in a shallow sea. Where it's on the surface, it's fluffy when dry, incredibly sticky when wet, and has interesting shrink-swell properties perfect for use as drilling mud; you'd think God had planned for oil wells. Fleshy little grey saltbushes live on it, and sheep live off the saltbush.
I take it that the bentonite used in Thailand is calcium bentonite, evidently gentler stuff.
Can I just lose weight by eating lots of veg in coconut-based Thai sauces?
David Martin, Vero Beach , Florida
Next week...gasp at the thrilling contrast as Ian attempts the gruelling program of eating a bowl of All Bran each day. at his home in England.
Be wary about sitting next to this man on the Clapham omnibus.
Jeff
P.S. Presumably the other story placement in 'Life & Style' today is deliberate...not the one about self-discipline in kids.?:)
Jeff, FL, USA
For his next article Ian Belcher should try a liver cleanse. He would definitely see a few marbles then!! Involves apple juice ,buckets of extra virgin olive oil and a free week end in close proximity of the loo. Try it, the results are quite surprising!
matt, Budapest, Hungary
The headaches etc are symptomatic of ketosis (or ketoacidosis in extreme cases) as a result of your metabolism switching to oxidising only fatty acids to give ketones to provide energy instead of glucose. All glucose that is made by glucogenesis in the liver is reserved for the brain, which can only run on glucose. You will get exactly the same symptoms on any carbohydrate-restricted diet or during starvation.
Dr A Caldicott, Palmerston North, New Zealand.
I just got back and while I'm not so glowing in my praise as the article (is it too cynical to suspect that he got this as a freebie?) I lost 5k in a week, kept 3 off, and felt amazing. The Sanctuary on Koh Phan Ngan (sp?) is better but quieter, and I quite enjoyed being on Koh Samui this time as we could potter around to distract from the hunger. Guy does still run it, thankfully we didn't see him, they were remarkably hands off (as opposed to the Sanctuary where Moon is much more involved in your whole treatment). On balance, I'll do it again,but probably back at Sanctuary... or Chiva Som if I win the lottery!
One final note to al - bentonite clay isn't bright green slime, so there is a lot of stuff coming out that you aren't putting in, the whole thing is quite amazing really.
aimee, london, uk
To Gladys Barber - Yes, I have seen plenty of fat africans. No, not all africans are starving. African diets often favour very heavy, stodgy foods. Traditionally speaking, to carry weight in africa is to carry status. If you are really starving I assure you you will not have beautiful skin. Teeth maybe, but that is due to many factors, often beyond the remit of diet (despite what your toothpaste brand would like you to believe).
shane, Wellington, NZ
Do you ever see a fat African on the news? No, they are all starving but most have beautiful skin and teeth and are desperately looking for food and waiting for the rice and mealie deliveries.
These over weight people would be better off curbing their gluttony and giving the cash to help these people.
Gladys Barber, France
Gladys Barber, archamps, France
I went there before some years back there was a very shifty alcoholic American named Guy running it who drank Vodka and Tonic from a coffee jar. They were being sued by an Australian woman who ended up in the hospital I heard. I certainly hope these chaps got rid of those people and improved things but i doubt it. It was highly unprofessional. I was with my brother who is a Doctor. He agreed and we moved on.
Nick Scudamore, London W1, UK
What complete rubbish. There are no "toxins" floating around in your GI tract. The stuff you pass is the stuff you put in, largely the pounds of bentonite clay which clogs up your intestines. A Scam.
Al, Soton, Hants
A bad case of the Bangkok belly. Quick nurse, the screens.
Andrew Milner, Yokohama, Kanagawa