It would appear that the Italians are not above telling the odd fib. All over Milan at the moment there are ads for a mineral water that feature a photo of some twentysomething lovely with the line: “Signorina so-and-so, 86, drinks our mineral water”. Don't know who they're referring to, but it sure isn't the Miss Flawless Complexion whose picture adorns the poster. In this country they'd be up in front of the trade descriptions police, but over there the whole thing is considered a bit of a jolly wheeze.

Another billboard that went up in Milan last week could also be accused of gross misrepresentation. Some 40ft high, it shows one David Beckham of Leytonstone performing a sit-up, wearing nothing but a pair of tight, ribbed Emporio Armani underpants and a moody expression. The misrepresentation charge relates to the size of the man's, er, packet, which suggests that he may have misplaced a large vegetable while preparing lunch.

So ludicrous is the supposed endowment of the former England captain that a friend reports reading that you can now see it from space. Indeed, Caitlin Moran has argued convincingly in this paper that the photograph must have been enhanced, or Beckham would be making medical history as the first man whose genitals weigh more than his wife.

After asking the folk at Giorgio Armani for their comments, I can reveal exclusively that yes, the picture has been doctored. The bulge in Beckham's Emporio Armanis was redrawn - to make it smaller, after the complaints that greeted the first series of ads when they were released earlier this year.

Just what is it about footballers, fashion designers and pants? In 2003 the World Cup holders in the area of designer underwear, America's Calvin Klein, used Freddie Ljungberg of Arsenal in a similarly intimidating advertising campaign. On billboards and in magazines around the world, the Swedish midfielder appeared shaven from his head down and covered in some sort of oily lubricant.

Only a few weeks ago Dolce & Gabbana, sponsors of A.C. Milan and official dressers of the Italian national football team, issued a press release informing the world of their new venture: the “creation of uniforms” for the Milano Beach Soccer team, Italian champions for the 2006 and 2007 seasons.

The release featured a picture of these players sprinting across the sand towards some artfully placed balls, barefoot and in white Dolce & Gabbana trunks. Surely these are not the “uniforms” in question? Unless, as has undoubtedly been the case in beach volleyball, part of the strategy to attract an audience to beach soccer lies in the issue of skimpy costumes?

Actually I think the soccer-and-fashion-pants marriage has fairly logical origins. If you want to market smalls to men, show them on sportsmen and not on male models. A locker room is, after all, one of the few places men routinely get to see other men's underwear.

As for the style lessons we can learn from these images, the message is clear. In all cases the players sport not boxers or long-legged trunk styles, but classic cotton slips, which appear to lack a handy “Y” opening, opting instead for streamlined simplicity.

The style is ubiquitous, and available not only from Messrs Armani, Klein and Dolce & Gabbana, but also from Messrs Marks & Spencer for a fraction of the price. Vegetables for strategic augmentation are not included, but can be purchased from the M&S food halls.