Jeremy Clarkson
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From
March 2, 2008
Renaultsport Clio 197 Cup
Look, you traffic wombles, I’ve had enough
Recently, a mother of three appeared in court charged with “knowingly causing the deposit of controlled waste on land which did not have a waste management licence”.
So what do you suppose she’d done? Emptied a sack of polonium into a school playground? Urinated in Alistair Darling’s finger bowl?
Secreted 6,000 burning tyres in Bourton-on-the-Water? Nope. The “controlled waste” was an apple core that she had allegedly tossed out of her car window.
Shortly afterwards, two young men appeared in another court, accused of “interfering with a dolphin”. It turns out they’d been hitching a ride on it, in much the same way that tourists do on exotic holidays throughout the world. Then, the following day, the government announced that from now on Gordon Brown would be listening to every single telephone call you make.
Small wonder the Archbishop of Canterbury announced, just 24 hours later, that he wants sharia law in Britain. He was mocked, of course, but come on: Muslimism lets you throw apple cores onto the grass verge and swim with the dolphins and make telephone calls without having a Scottish man grunting and moaning in the background. Plus, we’d have the added benefit of being able to dismember shoplifters.
Also, though I have only a scant acquaintance with the Koran, I’m fairly certain it contains no call for motorists to be fleeced, hounded, mocked and, worst of all, held up on purpose by a swarm of power-crazed traffic wombles.
No one seems to have noticed this sinister new development. But think. In the olden days, when policemen had to have two O-levels, a moustache and a burning desire to join the freemasons, you never really heard of a motorway being closed.
Then, however, the state introduced a new breed of Diet One-Cal policeman called highway officers. We were told they’d race to the scene of an incident and clear up the mess as quickly as possible, thus allowing the real police to concentrate on more important things, like filling in forms and arresting people for interfering with dolphins.
It sounded a brilliant idea but, sadly, these new highwaymen have plainly been told that the most important thing, when attending the scene of a crash, is their own safety. Which means that their first reaction, always, no matter how trivial the accident, is to close the road.
Just listen to the Radio 2 traffic reports. One day last week the M40, the M5, the A34 and the M4 were all shut. Single-handedly, these mollycoddled imbeciles were bringing the whole country to a standstill.
That night, it got worse. A small hatchback had broken down in the middle lane of the A40, going into London. Now, in the not too distant past, other motorists would have got out of their cars and pushed the blockage to the side of the road. Not any more. Now, the traffic wombles come and cone off two lanes. And then they sit in their big 4x4, eating Mars bars, until the government-approved, safety-qualified removal-truck driver arrives.
When my wife crawled past at 6.30, they were just sitting there. When I drove past an hour later, having been stuck in a five-mile queue, they were still sitting there, and I’m afraid that, for the first time in 12 years, I lost my temper. They say a Dutch bargee can swear for two minutes without repetition or hesitation. I beat that easily.
I’d had enough. I’d had enough of people being charged for throwing apples out of their car windows, and speed cameras, and bus lanes, and those villages that have plant pots in the middle of the road. I’d had enough of bendy buses and the congestion charge, and sanctimonious beardies in Toyota Priuses getting away with it. I’d had enough of petrol at £1 a litre, and idiots saying that if we build more roads, people will only end up using them. I’d had enough of exhaust emission tables, and Al Gore and being asked to let the bus go first. I’d had enough of mobile CCTV cameras and Gordon Brown’s smile and photographs of polar bears on icebergs. And I took it all out on those fat, power-crazed wombles who’d shut two lanes of one of the busiest roads in the world because they were too obsessed with health and safety to get off their fat arses and push a broken-down hatchback out of the way.
There is some hope, however, in this broken and useless world and it comes in the shape of Renault’s Clio 197 Cup.
I’ve always liked hot hatchbacks and they make even more sense now than they did at the peak of their popularity 20 years ago. Back then, when you could smoke indoors and smack your children and the police were allowed to punch burglars in the face, they were a great way of enjoying what would turn out to be freedom’s last gasp.
Now, however, they do something even more important. In an overcontrolled, deliberately jammed world, they make going slowly fun.
Sure, a mid-engined car with 600 brake horsepower is always going to be a riot in the Yorkshire Dales, but you don’t live in the Yorkshire Dales. You live in Coalville and on your dismal crawl to work every morning all that power and finesse is, frankly, a complete waste of time and effort. You’d be better off putting your money in the dishwasher.
This is where the Clio Cup comes in. Its engine produces 197bhp, which is an awful lot from a normal-aspirated 2 litre but in a world of M5s, it’s a dribble; it’s less than half what AMG thinks is necessary to have a good time.
AMG is wrong. The people at Renault say the Clio Cup will accelerate from rest to 62mph in 6.9sec and that flat out in sixth it’ll sound and feel like you’re outrunning a Saturn V rocket. They also say it has Formula One-style aerodynamic aids and a compromise-free chassis designed to make every left at the lights feel like the Eau Rouge at Spa at 180.
If I may be permitted to liken the world of performance cars to Battersea dogs’ home, this is the eager little terrier, an ice-white scamp that whizzes about chasing its tail. Sure, it’s slower than a greyhound but, in theory, it should be a lot more fun.
The trouble is: it isn’t. While the engine is amazingly powerful for something the size of a toaster, it doesn’t translate into much in the way of fizz. What I want in a car like this is a rev counter that zooms up to the red line if you even so much as breathe on the throttle pedal. But in the Renault it feels like you’re trying to push a piano up a hill.
I like a hot hatch to deceive. I like to hurtle round a corner with blood spurting from my ears, and the engine doing 16m revolutions a minute, imagining that I’m doing 5,000mph. Whereas in fact I’m doing about six.
That doesn’t happen in the Renault. It’s not stodgy. It’s not an overcooked cauliflower, but neither is it a freshly picked radish. It just isn’t as exciting as the rear diffuser and preposterous roof-mounted spoiler would have you believe. And as a further droplet of wee in the soup, it has electric power steering, which is cheap to engineer but not quite as feelsome and lively as it should be.
Then there’s the interior. It’s not terrible. It’s not built with that usual French soggy dishcloth integrity. But really, it should have air-conditioning as standard.
I’m not saying the Clio Cup is a waste of wiring and metal. I like the way it looks and I like the seats a lot. I especially like the fact it costs less than £15,000. But it’s one of those cars that gives off the distinct impression it could be a little bit better.
I’d trade some of the power for a bit more whiz. Which funnily enough, is what I’d do with the traffic wombles as well.
Vital statistics
Model Renaultsport Clio 197 Cup
Engine 1998cc, four cylinders
Power 197bhp @ 7250rpm
Torque 158 lb ft @ 5550rpm
Transmission Six-speed manual
Fuel 0-62mph: 6.9sec
Acceleration 199g/km
Top speed 139mph
Price £14,995
Road tax band F (£205 for 12 months)
On sale Now
Rating 
Verdict Lost its fizz
Clio 197 All the way !! I love mine to bits most fun to drive small car ever !!
Phil , Birmingham, UK
The party so many of you wish for was founded on the 1st of January 2008.
It's not called the 'Common Sense Party' but embraces the very values that made Britain great. In short, it wants to help get the nanny-state government OUT of our lives and return our hard-fought freedoms which the Labourvatives have gradually thrown away over the last several decades.
Check it out: lpuk.org
Peter, Cambs,
That’s why Jeremy, last year I left the UK and went to go and live in your favourite place, (second to the US), Australia….
;)
Cheers
Nigel, Traralgon, Vic
ma clio is wicked bring on da ponte cruize!
charlie, ponte,
I have been making my friends read Clarkson. They are starting to believe that this could be the begining of a popular party. We need Jeremy and others like Little John and of course John Gaunt to get together. They could shoot down the current imbeciles and incompitents and form what could be called 'the common sense party' Of course they will need to get Laws, Adminastritve proceedures, policies, funding and staff in order and get them all to think and act in unison and behave impecbly, but this should be easy, I will put my hand hand. Then at last we can direct our energy towards being billiant again.
Barry Bunn, islip, oxford
I will vote for Jeremy and his party, we will have common sense as a byword and everything will be so much better and free and I can't wait.
paddy duffy, romford, essex
Yes. Run for PM Jeremy!
Will, London, UK
When the Archbishop of Canterbury suggested sharia law, everyone thought the man is mad. When Jeremy suggests it you have to stop for a moment and think, could it be a good idea?
Ro, Cheltenham,
Clarkson for PM and Transport minister, it will take his insightful attitude on how to solve Britain problems, not those idiots we have running the UK. As he says in the not too distant past commonsense would have prevailed.
Chris, Bonnes, France
Run for PM please!
Clare, ROTHERHAM, South Yorks
Mr Clarkson
Hats off to you, I might not agreed with everything you say, but what you say here is spot on. Except about the car; I frankly couldn't care less about cars as I ride motorcycles.
Lee Williams, London,
With regard to the Wombles, it would seem that due to Health and safety, they don't like to go out at all. The have a station at junction 15 on the M40 (longbrige roundabout). When ever i pass there is always at least 20 Womble Vehicles parked up.
Dave, Warwick,
When I was a kid, (even had the horns), I had a pet snake, who, when happy, had a smile identical to that of Tony Blair. Brown's is difficult. His lips widen but the eyes are still the holes in the snow one makes when cought short. I got my shot of Clarkson's genius pre. renault slot, and for the week ahead can face our socialist nuthouse of a country with a smile. do not emigrate, Jeremy. Remember Kitchener!
John Perks, westcliff on sea. Essex., England
".....knowingly causing the deposit of controlled waste on land which did not have a waste management licence....."
So are the apples trees in our country being arrested too! Because in Autumn they should be. After all they knowingly drop 'fallen' apples all over Somerset. And what idiot had the time to waste 'feeling this ladies collar'?!
The 'controlled waste' IS bio-degradable. Since when was an apple controlled waste??. Geez I give in!
I vote we all have an " APPLE CORE DROPPING DAY" - or perhaps for the gobbledegook creators " Vertical release of biologically degrading vegetable matter, incident to the tarmacadam / verge interface" ....just to irritate the cretins that run our country on "our" behalf..
Jeremy, sometimes you annoy the hell out of me, but on the whole I think you're right to point out the stupidity that is P.C.
"Life.......... danger of death"
Waldo, Somerset, UK
traffic!!! thats why we emigrated :-) Clare NZ
clare Gilg, Christchurch, New Zealand
go on then run as MP jezza. Dare you.
mike, oxford,
Actually I DO live in the Yorkshire Dales.
Emilia, Yorkshire Dales,
Should be Prime Minister.
David, LLandysul,
I can't wait for Jeremy Clarkson to be banned.
What a selfish, boring man.
Emily, London,
Jeremy, again you say it how it is and are spot on. Criminals are free to walk the streets whilst innocent drivers and decent people are hauled before the courst for just excisting. Our prisons are like holiday camps.
Our legal system is a mess, the police no longer arrest criminals or get roads moving they just sit around protecting them selves and writing forms.
We need you Jeremy and John Gaunt to from a party and draft legislation and put in some correct democratic administrative systems, to raise taxes but only from the wrong people and distribute these taxes 100% correctly. You need to get in charge and re-haul the hospitals and armed services and civil service only when you and Gaunt are running everything including the BBC will everything be perfect and we will live in Utopia and never have a problem again.
paddy duffy, romford, essex
Jeremy!!
I am appalled, you have used an extremely controversial attention grabbing headline and then proceeded to have a rant about the state of Britain's highways, the lunacy of bureaucracy and your infatuation with a hatchback made by the frogs!!
You should be ashamed of yourself!
Samina, Manchester / Birmingham , UK
Jeremy... send them a message... emigrate and make sure they know why...
paulc, gloucester,
It might have nice seats but they are a very expensive cost option. Otherwise you are stuck with standard seats that don't adjust enough and are so high your head rubs against the headlining. Buy the Vauxhall VXR
Charlie, Wakefield,
So, the Clio's not your favourite Hot Hatch, Jeremy, but what is? Depending on which of "your" many lists one reads, it could be anything from a BMW 135i M Sport coupe to a Golf GTi. So which is it?
Andrew Waldron, Bournemouth, UK
its a lovely car, i've got one.
and yes it does have nice seats!
charlie, ponte,
Jeremy, have you been listening to my husband? I hear a very similar rant at least once a week!
Di Millman, SOUTH BRENT, Devon
Thank you, Jeremy, yet another bull's-eye. The jobworthies are out to get us all. Down with Big Brother!
Rb, Aberdeen,
I live in a small town near Blackpool called Lytham. It's full of retired people and very close to the sea.
Last summer there were strong winds (as with every other year) which blew sand onto the roads, pavements and on people's gardens. We had almost a foot over a 1/4 of the garden; now what would any sane person do when there's a beach 200meters down the road? do I even need to ask.
A couple of weeks later I read in the local paper the council was trying to fine people for putting "poluted sand" back onto the beach. That little insects or pesticides might somehow harm all the needles and used nappies already there.
Instead, what was meant to happen was that neat orderly piles were to by made on personal property, as not to litter the streets, which were easy accessible to the council. You were then to ring up a department for them to bring a truck round and take the sand away...To where I ask? The beach?!
tom, lytham, lancs, england
Presumably you cannot ride a dolphin can be ridden unless it wants to be ridden. It always has the option of diving. If the dolphin was playing with the two young men, of its own choice, they cannot have been 'interfering' with it.
Basic problem - nobody is responsible for trying to keep traffic moving.
Frank Upton, Solihull,
I've said for years that more common sense is emitted from most of Britains army of journalists, so why do we always have a government of fatheads, or if you don't like that expression, a jumbled disorderly pile of planks who are given the presumptuous title called ministers. Almost 89% of the awkward bunch known as prospective voters want a referendum, but the planks knowing the result of allowing such a thing refuse the so called basis of British government which is quaintly called democracy. As a final comment I don't like Renault cars.
Phil de Buquet, Newport, England
it doesnt have aircon because its heavy.
idiot.
rich, doncaster,
Contrary to what all you little Englanders think, Clarkson doesn't "say everything we all think", nor is he "our hero". He's a mildly amusing, contrarian newspaper commentator, not the Messiah. In fact, of course, he's a very naught boy.
Edward, Cheltenham, Uk
As usual I've had my belly-laugh - i'ts set me up for the day. That man Clarkson hits the bullseye so often it must be made of titanimununinium - or something disimilar. I just think it's a shame that because he can screech around a safe one way track at ninety feet a second, the more mundane cars that the mass of the public have to live with should take such stick, when many are such an ongoing improvement. It used to be a goal of automotive engineers to achieve 100 h.p. from 100 cc. Now we are given that - and obove - in quite goodlooking bodies. Come on, Jeremy, imagine you are Mr. middling class average, just want a good reliable motor that does'nt do a Clyde and break the bank. Show a little more enthusiasm for us middle of the roadies.
John Perks, westcliff on sea. Essex.,
On your observation that you've had enough of seeing Gordon Brown's smile Jeremy, you are overlooking the point that every time he flashes it, (usually out of context by the way) he looks a dead ringer for Richard Nixon. If he carries on with this smiley tactic for long enough, the penny might evetually drop with the voters.
figurewizard, Petersfield, UK
This great country "THE DISUNITED KINGDOM†is finished. The film 1984 does the labour party carry it as there personal bible! Does Gordon Brown really think he can keep increasing back door taxes to cover his ever increasing bungles and black holes! But yes he can, just keep targeting the innocent and the motorists based on global warming reports ( but do not listen to the reports that are hidden away to say it is a natural temp increase Why because we can tax tax tax that’s why )! Don’t target hardened criminals Why! because they have no where to put them! Lets build some prisons in Scotland which has more spare land capacity than any other part of the UK , Oh know we cant do that as now the English give Scotland all of Westminster’s Money ( Our money) for free this and Free That ! Oh and is it just odd that Gordon God Damn Brown is Scottish! Frankly i cannot wait to leave this Big Brother Nation the "Dis-United Kingdom". Keep hammering away Clarkson you have a voice*** !
Paul, midlands, Staffordshire
Kudos to Jeremy ! !
He says everything we all think. Let him lead the revolution to a return to common sense.
Every MP begging for a vote should get a copy of this ,and sign up for thr epeal of all these stupid rules & regulations.
Whining won't do it.
Political action is requred
wilfred knight, orange county, usa/ca
govt guidelines to local councils remains do what you have to to keep all traffic to 20mph.
Go for it clarkson
Micky Boy, Scarborough, UK
Go Jeremy, get rid of motorway speed cameras - what *are* they for except revenue??! , Highway Wombles (only good for picking up litter) and bring some common sense back to the UK....
Emma, Guildford, Surrey
Goordon Brown smiles? Has anyone caught the proof on camera?
Andy, uk,
Go for it, Jeremy. Great stuff. Could you think of a way that we could put all the energy that we currently put into saying an awful lot of rude words a lot of the time, into an 'engine for change'?
Kay Buckley, Huddersfield,
In the 70's (so it was claimed) surveys clearly showed that, if he had stood for election, David Bowie would have been Prime Minister by a clear mile. Just look at the options we face today, if you can bear to. Jeremy, I wouldn't agree with all your policies by any means, but you would be so much more value for money than the rest of parliament and the royal family put together. You would get my vote.
So, to use your words, it's time to "get off your fat arse" and stand for election!!
Paul, Bristol,
Jeremy, you are our hero
One point that they haven't regulated yet... (and this car is perfect until they do).
There are speed limits - but no rule I'm aware of on how quickly you can reach it.
So, a good fast car gives you that feeling of excitement and freedom all the way from 0 - 29mph... shame that the better they get, the less time there is for the illusion to live on.
Keep up the great work.
Peter, Prague, Czech Republic
Gary King is wrong. It's millions not thousands. J.C. should join up with Honest John in the Saturday Telegraph and they'd have this country sorted inside 5 years. They can have my vote for the next three elections right now.
The problem, and it is a big one, is that in government, national and local, no-one cares and no-one is listening. We do not live in a democracy, we live in an elected dictatorship.
Chris - Gloucester
Chris, Gloucester,
Clarkson, once again, is able to put down in words what the majority of people in this country are thinking. We are all fed up with these idiots, and all the other infringements on our liberty. Problem is, the goverment relies on the 'silent majority' and unless that turns into the 'action majority' nothing will get done. Bring on the common sense party! now, who can we get to lead it?
John Parker, Tebworth, Beds
We should benifit from the billions spent on the technology developed during the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and use smart bombs to obliterate any broken down vehicle. I estimate that we could all be under way within 2 minutes, 30 seconds to scamble an F16, 30 seconds to evacuate the broken down car, 30 seconds flight time, 30 seconds to take a leek. Think of the billions we would save in disbanding the trafic wombles and selling off their 4X4s to school Mum's. Policeman could go back to riding bikes and walking the streets. And our service men could keep in practise without having to destroy innocent countries.
John, Breda, Holland
I live in Namibia, where recently a medium sized aircraft crashed into a house just beside the road. Did the police shut down the area for miles around? No, you could drive past, take pictures and gawp at the mangled wreckage. Nobody, except the unfortunate passengers, came to any harm
bill torbitt, windhoek, namibia
"Emigration for Dummies"
Has to be a winner.
Andrew Milner, KL, Malaysia
You get Gloucester Gary (subject to Party rules & a fair election of course) and I'll stand for Bristol.
I'm sure by the morning we'll have the whole country covered with prospective candidates.
Tim, Bristol, Land of Clarkson,
Here here!
I might just return to the UK if that was the case!
Maybe you could ban silly french cars as well..
Rob, ex Notts UK, Vancouver BC
It is true that Motorways seem to be closed now for the slightest little incident. I think the Highways Police should give more attention to getting traffic moving again wherever possible. You don't need to spend an hour measuring the scene of the incident to know that someone's been driving like an idiot. Surely you can find out all you need from the damage to the vehicle(s) involved and from talking to the drivers?
Apart from the misery caused to thousands of people who are just trying to get home, these hold-ups often cause "follow-on" accidents and bumps, which just snarl things up even more!
John Robinson, Thetford, UK
I can't believe this still catches me out every time. Every time a Brit starts going:
"I'm sick of this and I'm sick of that and I'm sick of that other thing too and I've had one something too many and I will not put up with it anymore!"
I think, YEAH, Britain might finally go forward again! And then the author just wusses out like so. Every time:
"And now, I'll talk about something that might mildly annoy the ones responsible."
You can do better, Jeremy. Much better.
Petar Bogdanov, Sofia, Bulgaria
The first paragraphs were wonderful - (the bit about the Clio didn't interest me).
But I see a ridicuolous dichotomy here, the healthandsafety obsessed public 'servants', and then the Prince Harry (chose to be a soldier) fiasco aka PR stunt.
So - is there anybody in the UK capable of making a judgement on anything? Is the lad who is second in line to the throne 'okay' in "firefights" (ugh) when some fireman ("firefighter") has to get authorisation from some social worker or healthandsafety officer before he gets on with what he wants to do?
It is all madness.
Jeannie, Perugia,
Jeremy, I wish you would form a new political party called "common sense". There are thousands and thousands of fed up Brits out here who are yearning for some strong common sense leadership, which has the interest of our country in mind, before its is just too late.
I would like to be one of your MP's!
Gary King, Berkeley, Glos