See London and die — in penury. That might be soon be the fate of pilgrims to the world’s capital. Hotel prices are rising by 22 per cent a year, and visitors will need to negotiate with their credit cards companies before risking a night in Kensington. For the price of weekend double with breakfast in bed and candle-lit dinner, tourists could fly to Australia, bathe in champagne or bask for a month by the Black Sea. Americans are particularly hard hit: touring the Tower, taking in a show and sleeping in a genuine four-poster used by Queen Elizabeth (or was it Shakespeare?) will cost them more greenbacks than the Federal Reserve releases to cover the yearly social security budget. For some — mainly Russians — money is there to throw from the window. No hotel has yet set a price that an oligarch deems too steep. But the frugal Germans are already feeling the pinch, and efficiently limit their overnight stays in London to an average of £77.

The answer is never to sleep in the city that never sleeps. Rave it up at an allnight disco. Party with the stars in allnight bars. Jog round the parks as dawn comes up over St James’s. If even caffeine pills cannot ward off sleep, there are alternatives. Doss down in the last slow train out of Waterloo. Travel to the end of a Tube line and look for a caravan site. Pitch a tent in a graveyard, gatecrash a youth hostel or knock on the door of a homeless shelter and feign amnesia. With forward planning you could join a club and exploit reciprocal rights in Mayfair, sign up for a conference housed in student accommodation or book a berth in a marina. If all else fails, try a B&B in Acton. It may be all plastic and polyester. But you’ll get the full English in the morning.