Is there anything in this world, really truly anything, more ghastly than the wedding list? I have to ask. A flock of brides laid siege to the headquarters of HSBC in London yesterday, protesting about the bank's apparent role in the sudden demise of a wedding list company, thereby depriving them of their gifts.
And while the emotional signage clearly indicated some modern-day tragedy, with one's heart supposedly bleeding for innocent young women having their lives ruined by beastly bankers, I found myself struggling not to cheer. Plainly there is something seriously wrong with my moral compass.
Wedding lists have always struck me as one of the most vulgar things in society. They are not about giving; but about taking. In this instance - the failure of the online gift service Wrapit - I can find little sympathy for the complacent, well-heeled young brides who sought to demand presents with menaces, and have instead been left stranded by the exigencies of the credit crunch.
In fact, if I am very honest, there is a pleasing hubris in seeing such a naff symbol of materialism being consumed by the very culture that it helped to create.
One can feel very sorry for the various wedding guests, of course, who in many cases will have lost their money. These same people will doubtless now dig in their pockets to buy a second gift, because they're nice people and they want to do the right thing.
But listen to the brides themselves twittering on television and one is overwhelmed with the sense that Wrapit's collapse is a kind of divine vengeance for a consumer society running out of control. There was Emma, on Sky News, prattling on about her ceremony by the sea in Italy - “not huge, just 80 people... awesome fun” - and the close to £5,500 of gifts she had lost and how bad she felt for her guests.
And over on the BBC, there was much the same, with an angst-ridden bride who tossed her hair like an angry pony and bemoaned the loss of £7,500 of goodies that had been pledged to her. Online, although one or two brides expressed their sense of embarrassment, their shame seemed to be about letting down their guests, not the function of the list itself or the amount of the haul. They seemed totally oblivious, these complacent young women, of the moral ambiguity of seeking gifts on such terms.
Long ago, wedding lists stopped being about the delight of giving and receiving simple gifts and became a bourgeois financial contract. The bridal couple sent the guest an invitation to an expensive meal - and with it a list of things they needed to furnish their lifestyles. Implictly: you come, you give us exactly what we want. And even if we've been living together in a well-furnished home for years, we still want it.
As if this impertinence were not enough, the joy of giving is finally extinguished, in my experience, by trawling the stuffy John Lewis website (I never tried Wrapit) vainly trying to find an item on the list that fits one's budget and that stirs one's imagination in any way. One cannot see the gift; nor touch it; nor invest any emotion in it; one makes a choice based solely on financial value. You are merely a facilitator of a box that can now be ticked off.
You can almost hear them checking it: large sauce boat - tick; coasters times 12 - tick; six serving spoons ditto - tick; 12 napkins - tick; 12 dinner plates - tick... oh damn! We only got six soup plates, at £5.50 each. Why on earth would anyone give us only six? What cheapskate was that?
The average wedding list on Wrapit, apparently, ran up a haul worth £2,800, but obviously some couples aspire to much, much more. In a society as nakedly acquisitive as this, why have limits? Why not ask for contributions to a new car? Or do as one bride in my experience did, and ask her guests to buy vouchers from a travel company in order to pay for the honeymoon?
Why not go farther still and ask guests to subsidise the mortgage for the first few months of married life? Simply send cheques, minimum value £75.
I can see the logic of the wedding list, but that has never made it right. There is the question of unwanted and duplicate gifts. Surely it is sensible in a waste-conscious age to eradicate unwanted items? To which the answer is yes, but only if one wishes to inhabit a world where freedom and creativity are ruled out.
Like many yuppie brides in the 1980s - but one who despised the conformity of wedding lists even then - I endured more than my fair share of heated hostess trolleys, toasted sandwich makers and slow cookers, which caused much private mirth and several trips to the shops to exchange them. But an equal number of gifts were unique and imaginative and we treasured them for years (or at least until the divorce).
And there is another point. When couples receive thoughtful, striking gifts, they automatically remember the people who gave them to them. The essence of a gift as something memorable, freely given, is further enriched by this. That rowan tree, that unusual rose, that painting... when I see them, they remind me of the people who gave them to me.
Unless I am much mistaken, the couple for whom I buy bath towels or cutlery from a wedding list will not routinely think of me as they dash from the shower or butter their toast.
Wedding lists have other fatal flaws. They can be the refuge of people who, tragically, do not realise how dull they are. They hint at an unfortunate mixture of arrogance and social anxiety. Even worse, I have always thought, wedding lists send a clear message that you do not trust the good taste of your best friends, so must remove any choice from their hands.
Which means we should all be doubly offended when we are asked to contribute to one.
Nothing more vulgar than a Wedding List! If you can afford to wed, you can afford to set up home. If you're not that self sufficient then grow up! Such crass materialism!
Surely the most important things at your wedding should be your husband and guests? Surely just having them there is enough?
Elaine Riley, Poulton-le-fylde, UK
Melanie seems to have missed the point entirely. T brides who are about wrapit's demise aren't "greedy" & "grasping". Their friends and family have paid good money for goods which have never been delivered. Wouldn't we all be up in arms if we paid for items that never appeared?!
Jan Fielding, Chester, UK
Have you never considered that many couples have no garden in which to plant an 'unusual rose', or even a home to live in? Instead, they might need the financial help to move their lives together. Many can't afford a honeymoon at all - the gift of a few days away from work together is a great one.
Julia, London,
Choose from the wedding list / choose outside the wedding list / don't gift at all ... presuming that you have some sort of relationship with the couple marrying, I find it hard to believe that they would feel offended whatever you choose. It's a personal choice.
nicole, Twickenham , United Kingdom
Appropriate present depends on age of couple, their resources / wishes, and those of giver:
No list, young couple: good bedding they couldn't have afforded
Appeal for money, young couple with money: champ made from fruit on their land
No list, older friends: wines to their taste
All a result!
gh, Dumfries, Scotland
Consider a Chinese wedding.
All guest bring a red envelope stuffed with cash. On arrival, the envelope is opened by friends of the couple, who count the money and record the amount in an ornate book.
Vulgar? You might say so. Practical? Without doubt. The cash covers the cost of the wedding.
John , Taipei,
I've always found the idea of the wedding list distasteful. I have a wedding to attend in Africa later this year and the assumption is that I'll buy a gift from a list too. I think not! Isn't it enough I'm flying 5500 miles to be there on your day?
Julie Watson, London, UK
I'm getting married soon - we really struggled with the idea of setting up a list, so our wedding will feature Chinese red envelopes (I'm half Chinese) for people to put messages in. If they want to give money it's totally up to them. Our invites make it clear we want nice messages to keep for life.
Tia, Nottingham, UK
I agree entirely. I was married five years ago and I had been living with my wife for two years. We had everything we needed and told everyone that we didn't expect presents. The few we got are highly treasured and we remember the giver everytime they are used.
Oliver, London, UK
Wedding lists are a good idea. You don't end up with three coffee makers and no bedsheets or, as my mother did, two fondue sets and no towels. Most young couples don't already have the stuff they need -- I lived in my own place for years before I got married, I still didn't have enough for two
Alex, Leeds, Uk
Where does tacky end or greedy begin? The bride's wedding purse, and guests put in envelopes of money? The father who said people should give money equal to the cost per head at the reception. Guests ask for lists, then couples are called impertinent! Can't win. WrapIt seems to be a separate issue.
Eliza, new London, PA, USA
And what if that "thoughtful and striking" gift that Melanie spent so long infusing with her personality & charm was never delivered? I bet she'd be down to the offending retailer toot-sweet moral compass and all!
Constance, Richmond, England
I agree with MelanieReid. Invited to a wedding last year, I shopped online for the happy couple at the large store requested by them. I bought them two items. A letter after the wedding thanked me for some other gift - not what I had ordered at all. And they had been married before.
K Sutherland, Long Melford, Suffolk
I agree, I particularly hate having to buy people vouchers as you then often feel obliged to spend more than you can afford, as they know the value of your gift. I once bought a teapot from a junk shop as a wedding gift, and I think it was a much more satisfying experience for both of us.
Jen, Edinburgh,
Part of the problem with wedding lists is in the way they're presented to guests.
A note on the invite along the lines of 'if you'd like to give a gift there are some ideas on our list at xxx shop' is one thing; finding a slip with a gift list number on it with no comment is another thing entirely
Caroline, Norwich,
Julie, some couple include details of the list, others do not. But don't be silly, it's no more tacky than your own culture, just different. We said we didn't want gifts, just people to come. But so many people asked if we had a list we did open one at Wrapit - because they did charity donations.
Joe, London,
To give something memorable and "striking", in the hope of being thought of when the couple use or see it, makes it all about you rather than the happy couple. That's pretty self-centred Melanie.
Harry, London,
There are sensible gift lists: www.ourgreenweddinglist.com supports small ethical & UK businesses and crafts people, www.weddinglistgiving.com, www.giveit.com offer charity gift lists. It isnt all tacky. And some people really do need household goods to set up home - not all people are well healed!
Ben, Brighton, UK
We went to a wedding where the happy couple asked for contributions towards their new conservatory. We wrapped up some bricks.
Sheila, somerset,
We actively did not want presents because it wasn't about that, but people kept asking us. As a compromise we set up a charity list and raised £1000 for World Vision. Cards come with that service too so we have kept all of those to remember what people said to us on the occasion.
Janna, London,
Surely there is an option of buying a present from the list, if you would like, or the option of buying something not on the list, or not buying anything at all! We have requested charity donations yet I know of at least 10 couples who are buying us something to keep. Some people like a list!!
Sally, Sutton Coldfield, UK
We had a wedding list but it wasn't obligatory to buy from it. The 6 people who (independently) bought gifts not from the list ALL bought us a mirrored photo frame! For me that rather reinforced the practical usefulness of a list. I gave away 5 of the frames and kept one...
Liz, London,
If a person can't have "awesome fun" on their wedding when can they?? And a wedding list is innocuous and inoffensive. Guests don't have to buy from a list, they don't have to buy anything at all. Lighten up! It's just for effect isn't it Melanie - I certainly hope so, otherwise you need help...
Jamie, London,
We had a wedding list with wrapit and so are now navigating the refunds / administration. Some people chose to buy off the list, some not at all. We didn't mind!
Although I do wonder what I will do with seven decanters and a rambling rose-bush in our little second floor flat....
Anna, London, UK
What exactly is a "Wedding List?" Is it included in the invitation? If so, that's tacky. In the US brides register with a store and the store has a list of items they've selected, but most people feel free to buy a gift that not part of the selection.
Julie, Madison, USA
I don't have a problem with the classic registry: Fine china and silver in a pattern chosen by the couple. If you were at loss for a present, then you could buy something from their tableware pattern. Otherwise, you could get something else. I don't like the way registries are now. Greed City.
Beth, Los Angeles, Calif USA
The crux of this writer's argument seems to be that rowan trees; unusual roses and paintings make superior wedding gifts to bath towels or cutlery.
Personally, I beg to differ.
David, London, UK
God, listen to the self righteous bleat on about "guest convenience" or crying about not being able to afford the "basics"...does it still mean someone else has to stump it up for you? We certainly didn't see our wedding as an opportunity to shake down friends and family.
Emma, London,
I give charity donations, eg £ for a goat or chickens, to Oxfam for Christmas presents but am very happy to buy someone whatever they choose as their wedding present. At least that way no-one can criticise my taste! I have been asked to contribute to a friend's bank account before - vulgaroony.
Polly, Cotswolds,
Something tells me you dont get invited to many weddings Melanie.
Adam, London, UK
Well done! we get married in Oct and the issue is not about if we want a present list or not - we want for nothing, not because we are rich but the wedding is abou our love - not furnishing our homes or our pocket. We chose to get married, we pay for it all - we want is for people to come and enjoy
kathy , London, UK
This seems just a modification of old wedding traditions: when young couples married, the tribe/village or family set them up with the true homemaking necessities; as they were few and universal, no list was needed. With modernity came more complex "needs" and less hands-on giving. Ie: the registry.
Benett, Los Angeles, United States
We asked for charitable donations in lieu of gifts, people don't listen though and don't always agree with your choice of charity. We deferred on purchasing household items, represented them as a gift list and donated the cash equivalent to charity. Not every WrapIt customer is the same.
Alex, London, UK
I get the impression that many items on the list are not 'essentials' eg the list from a recently attended wedding had a £50 kitchen bin on it. It's all about being sold 'the perfect day', which means some impressionable brides buying into the sales pitch. Rich, easy pickings for the companies.
Alan, Swindon,
Most 'original' presents I recieve have been a disappointment. Plus it is an awful bore for the giver. Lists also coordinate the givers avoiding the 100 flower vases syndrome.
And in anycase a wedding list doesn't stop you from getting an 'original' present.
Wedding lists are a courtesy.
Greg Lorriman, Leatherhead, UK
I couldn't agree more.
I've received more than my fair share of wedding lists and I always choose to give something other than what's on the list -a painting, plant, something antique...that I know will be cherished.
India J, Annecy, France
I was invited to a wedding where the bride and groom printed their bank details on the invite and said they didn't want any presents, just contributions to their mortgage. It's already happened.
Bowleserised, Berlin,
I think Melanie is being a bit harsh. For me, it's all a matter of how you present it. When we married, we chose not to send the list with the invitation, but guests who asked were provided with a list. Guests who wanted to give something personal - or nothing at all - could do so.
Jeremy, Peterborough, UK
We got married a year ago, and were too embarrassed to do a list. Our guests chose whether to give a gift or not, and when asked what we wanted, we suggested Argos vouchers, or dollars for our honeymoon where we bought our own memories or gifts, which we did.Much more civilised than a list.
Bob, Uxbridge, England
We recently celebrated our civil partnership and stated on the invitations "no presents please". Despite this, many of our friends wanted to give us presents and did so. We received beautiful, thoughtful presents which we will always treasure.
John, London, UK
I can't believe the callousness of this.Myself and my husband work very hard,surviving for years on hand me downs.Not going to ask for presents,but when guests ask for a list,it's a perfect opportunity to have some lovely new things. Which we now won't receive,nevermind refunds for them. Thanks
Rebecca Swift , Sheffield, UK
It's a lot less tacky than asking for a contribution to the honeymoon which is on the latest invitation I have ... Yes, we used wrapit, no we haven't got any gifts but I can tell you exactly what everyone chose whether off the list or not - I treasure them all for the thought!
Carolyn, Manama, Bahrain
I am 31 a homeowner & unmarried and I don't want to cohabit until I'm married, and I want to start a new home with them and start "afresh" with a new life. So I really hope it'll be acceptable for me to have a wedding list with all the traditional items on it if I'm ever lucky enough to meet someone
L Porter, London,
Like Emma quoted in the article, a friend of mine is getting married in Italy but, unlike Emma, she has no wedding list because she considers people's effort to make the journey as her gift. I agree with Meg - it's sickening what some people spend on just one day of their lives.
laura, london,
I give a Smythson photo album. Tasteful and they always think of me when they are looking through their wedding photos. I resent buying something for the sake of it.
Timothy Murray, London,
I had the misfortune of watching the bbc morning news yesterday and one such bride "Petronella or Camilla" or whatever her name was filled me with utter disgust. It came across to me as greed coupled with a sickening sense of entitlement. The "because I'm worth it generation"!
Luke Thoms, London , UK
In America brides-to-be 'register' at their favorite store and provide a list for guests to choose from. Guests may then request where the bride is 'registered' if they want to pick a gift from the list. It prevents the couple from recieving 10 toasters- which is REALLY tacky!
Miss Dee, Tayside, UK
Is there anything in this world, really truly anything, more ghastly than....self-righteous whingeing? People have been helping newly-weds across the world for generations. If you don't like it, don't buy them anything, and don't ask for anything. Next you'll be saying it's bad for the environment.
James, London, UK
Melanie, thankfully we live in a free society - if people want a wedding list its their choice - you have a right to be stuck up and boring so let others have the choice -is it a bit more deep rooted - did you have a bad experience with your wedding list?
Gavin, Cricklade, UK
As she has admitted, her moral compass is clearly off the chart altogether! It is not the fact that we want a wedding list, but guests ASKED what we would like for our wedding. Having just moved in together, these are things we need... and yes, half of our list is going to charity as well.
Tim Bunting, Maidenhead,
For those who are marrying having co-habited for years, a list of household appliances is completely unnecessary. However, what of those who have lived with their parents prior to marriage and who, having just put a down payment on a house, would struggle to afford basic items?
Ellie, London,
Wedding lists have been considered absolutely normal for years in the United States, and useful; even though my parents had one, they still received duplicate fondue sets from people who wanted to express their "creativity" and ignore the list - they all ended up going back to the shop!
Katherine, Richmond, UK
Melanie should broaden her disdain beyond wedding lists. I know of someone who had a list for her 21st birthday, one for her engagement & then when the wedding came around they asked for cash to be put in a "wishing well". I expect at her 40th she'll ask for my first born son.
Jen, London, UK
Oliver, well said. We paid a fortune to attend a colleague's wedding in a far-flung place and gave them a beautiful card in an envelope as a keepsake. Groom phoned to check if we had neglected to put cheque or money in envelope!! Nice one, that!
Olivia Thompson, Cape Town, South Africa
I hate the idea of wedding lists; I find them overpriced and presumptuous. However, I myself am getting married next year, and although I don't WANT a wedding list (I have no need for a duvet cover costing £50), I keep getting asked, over and over, by my guests "Where's your gift list?"
Claire, Manchester,
Nice one Melanie, take the easy crowd pleasing route.
Don't you think we thought at least twice about having a list for all your reasons?Family are traditional&want to buy something for the house(even if u say not to!) A week till the wedding &I've spent it on the phone apologising to loved ones.
Claire Hoggins, London,
I cannot agree more - what I wanted most from my wedding was the company of my family and friends - not new bath towels and condiment sets.
AM, Northampton,
Yes; there is something much more ghastly and ill-mannered than the wedding list which has now been flourishing for at least 10 years. It is the slip inserted in the wedding invitation informing the guests "that a gift of a monetary nature would be greatly appreciated".
Dennis Borg, Valletta, Republic of Malta
Best wedding invite I saw:
"There is no wedding list. It's your presence we want, not your presents."
Martin Wingate, Beckenham , England
It's a little sad we live in a world in which guests don't want the bother of having to think about what they buy for their friends and marrying/partnering couples see being given something unanticipated and different from what they would usually buy as a problem to be managed away.
Paul, Glasgow, UK
I'm getting married in September and we don't have a list - I want my guests to feel free, to feel that they've been invited to a celebration by us and there isn't a price tag - no obligations on them at all. I don't care if they get me a present or not - it's about them being there with us.
Helen, London,
What "financial contract"? Most weddings are in far-flung parts of the country, once one's paid travel and accomodation and used up a whole weekend the half decent meal and disco is more than covered. I reckon every wedding I go to costs my wif e and I about £500.
Oliver, London, UK
The point is, most people simply don't "need" the things they ask for. A wedding list epitmoises greed. Much better to ask for donations to charities, thereby helping those who really are in need. The letters of thanks will mean much more in the following years than soup spoons!
Carineh, Chelmsford, UK
How about guests choose what to buy, but in the case of an appliance or something where the couple might have received several, or simply prefer something else, enclose a receipt in a sealed envelope for the couple to open only at their discretion? Not ideal but an idea...
Amy Allen, London,
I think it is a good way of securing presents without receiving tonned of unwanted gifts. However, the idea of giving presents is a relic from a time when couples were setting up home together. For our own wedding we didn't accept any presents and instead has a charity collection raising £1000
John , Walsall, West Midlands
Goodness me, a lot of these responses have proved Melanie's point. Clearly some people were never taught by their parents that if you get something you don't want you accept it graciously because it's the thought that counts. I give you this - you give me that - what a debased attitude to life.
Lyn, Birmingham, UK
Very sad news about wrapit, it was the best service around but was badly managed, without the crunch it would have survived, it is not HSBC's fault. I feel truly sorry for EVERYONE involved. Fact: gift lists are a great idea for all involved, now move on, there are much worse things going on.
James, Leeds, UK
What a joyless, superior-sounding rant; such boring old British reserve and distaste at talk of money. You make a lot of assumptions and all-knowing generalisations, when these services are always tailored to each couples' circumstances. It's nice to know things are so black and white for you.
Patricia, London,
We got married last month and didn't expect any presents....why would we? Marriage is about people celebrating our day with us. Why should people bring presents. I think its awful to tell people what you want them to buy you.
dave, london,
whats wrong with a wedding list?, i think its a very good way to give your guests a guid on what your really need. i had my wedding like 1 month ago, 90 percent of the presents i got were useless to me. that is a real waste. now my house is full of closed boxes of things that i will never ever use.
Bakr, Nottingham, UK
Simple answer for Ms Reid if she hates wedding lists so much...don`t invite her to your wedding!! Would she rather people waste their money and time buying gifts for people that will end up in roof spaces, cupboards and charity shops. I for one would rather give (and receive) something useful!
Owen McNally, Belfast, N Ireland
When we married 25 years ago, two of our guests, a newly qualified nurse and a clergyman who had not yet found a parish, gave us a bread knife. It was all they could afford. A wedding list may well have caused them embarrassment at their poverty, and to this day I am glad that we didn't have one.
Emile, Weybridge,
Oh belt up Melanie. The point of having a list is that you get gifts you actually want rather than odd presents that you have to put out and pretend to like every time the person who gave it to you comes round (i.e. exactly what happened to all the "striking" gifts Melanie's inflicted on her mates).
Jon, London, UK
Wedding lists have become tacky because they are a throw back from a less indulged age when young couples were setting up home together . Nowadays when thirty-somethings get married they already have so much stuff that a wedding list cannot fail to appear anything other than greedy and needy
Nick, Woodbridge, Suffolk
It seems to me that most brides think that they should control everything, even down to the kindness of individuals. A wedding list does constitute a bourgeois financial contract, and is indicative of a lack of respect towards each guest.
Charles, Delft, Netherlands
What an idealised way of looking at things! The fact is; people have very different tastes which means many very well intentioned gifts will never be used or appreciated. I doubt many people would attend a wedding without buying a present, even if there was no list.
Bashma, London,
HSBC have obviously strong grounds for retaining the funds of Wrapit. I think that people's ire should be directed at the Company rather than its bankers.
Incidentally, my husband and I once attended a wedding where guests were asked to send John Lewis vouchers, as "we only want nice things"
sue, Harrow , UK
"Is there anything in this world, really truly anything, more ghastly than the wedding list? "
-The engagement party list and the baby shower list, both of which I have heard of. I am yet to hear of the birthday party list but I am sure it is not far off....
Anna, Brisbane, Australia
"Why not go farther still and ask guests to subsidise the mortgage for the first few months of married life?" That would be the 'wishing well' option on the wedding list and is already alive and well in Australia. It is usually accompanied by a cheesy 'give us money for our love' line in the invite.
Anna, Brisbane, Australia
Yes, wedding lists are certainly convenient. What shoked me about them was that there was no compulsion for the newlyweds (other than moral / the danger of being found out) to actually purchase the items on the list we were told that we could spend the money on anything.
James Clarke, London,
From such an embittered person as Melanie Reid - who, decries arrogance with one breath but doesn't mind describing herself as "a yuppie bride" this is a vituperative outpouring. In answer to her first question - "is there anything more ghastly?" my answer is, yes, unsympathetic people like herself!
E.Nichols, Norwich, Norfolk
Its blatant cheek...equip us we are getting married,unfortunately
few marriages with this style of posh begging ended within two yrs...hence splitting the wares and moving on till next time?
Don, Manchester,
I find it amusing that the writer jokes about giving money instead. That is exactly what it has been reduced to on this side of the Atlantic. Horrific and beyond tacky. My wedding list was only because friends insisted and they wished to get things I would use rather than expensive dust collectors.
Nadia, Hamilton, Bermuda
Elizabeth Gibson: No point worrying about people urinating in the street either as at least they aren't mugging pensioners. Must be fine to pick one's nose as at you aren't shoplifting.
The point is not to say there aren't worse things than Wedding Lists. Merely that the lists are naff.
Julia, London, UK
Rubbish. A friend of mine recently got married and we were most happy to choose stuff from their list on John Lewis. I don't suppose they really wanted 20 toast racks and slow cookers.
ben foster, wokingham,
I totally agree with this sentiments of this artice. Having been married a couple of months ago, but having lived together for the best part of 7 years and both my husband and I having well paid jobs, we asked for donations to two of our favourite charities and raised £4000. A much better legacy.
Fiona Holland, Birmingham, UK
Wedding lists save money and frustration for all - and remember it is optional. How many people go to weddings eat well, get drunk and then add no value to the overall celebration ? Maybe it's a broader and sad indictment on a society moving so fast that it has forgotten how to think.
Simon Taylor, Northampton, England
Having recently married and with many friends marrying I find wedding lists very useful. I wonder how many weddings Melanie gets invited to? Or how much spare time she has to shop for a "unique and imaginative" gift that reflects "freedom and creativity" - and then go straight onto ebay!
Oliver, London,
We chose Wrapit because they also did charity donations - none of them have been made, almost £2,000 in total. And yes Melanie, there are many things more ghastly, really truly more ghastly, than wedding lists. I don't think I need list them for you, but I'll start with child abduction...
Elizabeth Gibson, London,
If you want to make a more personal gesture, then that's lovely. But what about cousins who you're fond of but don't know very well? Or you're great friends with one of the couple, but aren't sure what they both like and don't want to make a mistake? A list of suitable items can be a big help.
Emma, London, UK
Nicole, do you really need a 20 quid wine glass? Really? Do not portray yourself as a 'victim' because you have not lost anything except perhaps the fulfillment of your own greed. I feel very queasy about giving my friends gifts for their wedding - I offer to help with the organisation instead.
Susie, Amsterdam,
We are also wrapit couples and would like to stress that we did not want gifts for our wedding, we were actually forced into opening a list with wrapit by our family members who said that guests would want to get us a present, and would need guidance.
Claire McMahon, Aylesbury, bucks
It's heartwarming that the columnist feels like cheering at the misfortunes of others - so if money has been spent on something you disapprove of, it's ok if the consumer is ripped off when a firm goes into administration?!
Helen, London,
What if you already have all the junk you desire? Do you put "no gifts" (which is a bit cold towards people who want to bring a gift)? Tacitly allow gifts and send everybody chasing for something "special"? Cough up a vulgar, impertinent wedding list to save them the aggravation? No easy choice.
Carl , London, UK
But if you are presented with a wedding list, it is surely rude not to comply with it. It says "I have better taste than you ghastly little people". Sorry Ruth.
Frank Upton, Solihull,
When a couple can easily spend £25k + on a not-particularly-fancy wedding, asking for a smart gift only sees the guest returning some of the splurged cash back into the couple's future life! Weddings are financial events through and through. It's recognised in every culture.
Kathleen, St Albans,
I once received a wedding invitation that included the bride and groom's joint bank account details - as guests we were supposed to transfer money straight into their account rather than buy them a gift.....
Kate, London,
My father in law called up to tell us that he thought Wrapit were about to go bust. He sounded so distresses and upset. I was so relieved when he told me what was up; I thought someone had died. I do think the journalist has taken the sins of the few and applied them to all.
James Houlihan, London, UK
Wedding lists are ghastly and I've always ignored them in favour of buying a personal gift. If people just want money, they might as well say so (and I know some who have). Can't get over the sheer amount that people were expecting to receive though. Who says marriage is pointless!
Ruth, Wales,
But there are gift registers that ask for cash. I'm surprised you haven't come across one yet. You can fund the honeymoon or the downpayment on a house or car. But they don't bother me, as I don't pay attention to lists and registers, anyway. And, oddly, I don't get invited to many weddings....
alice, salado, tx/us
We got married 3 weeks after moving into a new flat so a lot of our gifts were much needed items. Guests are not forced to buy from a list but many like having a guide if they decide to buy a gift. We received gifts on and off our list and treasure them all and we know exactly who gave us each gift.
Caroline, Winchester,
A friend asked for contributions to a wide screen tv for her wedding which is wrong - the purpose of the list is to help set up home, not get the couple "something they fancy" . Same friend asked for money as an engagement present - vulgar - especailly now when weddings are expensive to attend!
Laurine N, London,
We expressly stipulated, "Please, No Gifts!", at our wedding. But people persisted in foisting tacky baubles onto us - most of which went straight into the bin. I do not accept invitations that are accompanied by a begging list. To Hell with this rapacity!
J M B Stiles, Helsinki, Finland
I prefer a wedding list frankly. As I am a nice person, I will be getting the bride and groom a present anyway - even if I can't be there. I would much rather get them something they actually want rather than something to be shoved to the back of a cupboard.
Liz, London,
Personally I can't stand when the wedding list isn't included with the invite and I have to trawl the shops looking for something 'tasteful' and 'original'. Long live the wedding list!
Naomi, london,
Wow Melanie - how sad and cynical you sound! I buy gifts for friends because I want to give them something personal to remember their special occassion with. If I am buying them something I would much rather I spend my money on something they really want.
Emma, London,
I take the writer's point but think it's unfair to denigrate those who take the wedding list route simply because they think it makes life easier for their guests. Indeed, many guests prefer the safety of a list - being imaginative & creative gets tiring after the fifth wedding of the season.
Lauren, Staffs,
The guests' taste in various things will almost certainly not match the bride and groom's taste. A wedding list is a social nicety to avoid this awkwardness ... it guides guests to things the couple actually want.
Richard, London,
And what about the young couples who are just starting out in life together? Who perhaps work hard but very rarely spend their money on items for their home as there just isn't enough spare after providing for essentials for their family in the current financial climate?
Gemma McRae, Grimsby,
Would the journalist like to offer a goodwill donation to the charities that have not received the donations that came from our list, and those of others? We believe the total amount is around £8000 (as reported in the Observer 10 days ago).
Josh and Thea, London,
I completely agree. My joy at being invited to a wedding a few years ago was destroyed with the accompanying price list with items ranging from an Asparagus Kettle to a Laptop. Even weddings have become commercial. Personally I'd rather have a small family affair abroad without the vulgarity...
Richard Stephens, Swansea, UK
You don't need to be offended if a list is provided. Either simply don't buy a present, or buy a present off-list. Many guests like a list because they'd rather know what the bride and groom want.
Emma, London, UK
Agree 100%. The wedding industry is so bloated. I think that often people who create these lists do not realise how grasping and naff they can seem. I went to a wedding 'exhibition' last year and felt like I needed a shower afterwards - so tacky. The best people ask for nothing, or charity gifts.
Meg, Sevenoaks,
There's an easy remedy. Ignore the lists and give something of your own choosing. I usually give a decent amount in the form of book tokens. If the couple don't like it, tough. I thought you were invited to a wedding for the joy of your company, not what you give?
Jenny Latimer, Glasgow,
How sad and bitter Melanie sounds. I am one such "victim" of Wrapit. A wedding list is indeed a matter of convenience. Convenience for both the soon-to-be-married couple AND guests. Nobody forces anyone to boy off the list. It is a matter of choice. And no, I would not trust your choice Melanie.
Nicole Bloch, London, UK