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From The Sunday Times
June 22, 2008

Oi, get your hands off my lap dancers

Jeremy Clarkson

The machine needs to be fed. When you have 650 members of parliament elected to make laws, and an army of 500,000 civil servants whose job is to make sure that those laws work, and more legions in Brussels making more laws, there is never going to be any respite. The machine can never rest until absolutely everything is illegal.

Whenever I let my mind wander, I become quivery-lipped and frightened thinking about all the things I could do 10 years ago that I cannot do now. I may not smack my children, for instance, or talk on a mobile telephone while driving or put too much salt on my mashed potato or smoke at home if my cleaning lady objects or give my donkey a tender burial or encourage my dogs to kill rats. And if I put the wrong thing in the wrong-coloured dustbin, I’m likely to spend the next five years digging tunnels.

Outside my little world, things are even worse. Schools must ensure that their urinals are a certain height off the ground. Trawlermen must throw everything they catch back into the sea. The makers of beer must tell their customers to drink responsibly. And if Rowan Atkinson were to make a joke about gypsies, he would be digging tunnels too.

Today the machine is running out of people wearing high-visibility jackets to enforce its avalanche of new laws and so it is dispensing with the courts system and locking up people who may be innocent. And still it whirrs, announcing last week that it is going to ban people from becoming sexually aroused.

At the moment lap-dancing clubs are classified in the same category as coffee shops and karaoke bars. Quite why coffee shops or karaoke bars need to be “classified” by a government agent in a high-visibility jacket we are not told.

Nor is there much evidence that this classification system is working because, so far as I can tell, every single town in Britain these days is equally terrible - a vomit-stained centre full of estate agents, charity shops and building societies, ringed with a prefabricated, fluorescent sprawl of people in purple shirts trying to sell you Pentium processors and button-backed leatherette sofas.

At least a lap-dancing club brings a bit of individuality to a town, a bit of a respite from the endless chain stores and horrible pound shops. Sadly, though, the machine disagrees. It says that such places provide “visual sexual stimulation” and as a result councils must be allowed to prevent new ones from opening and perhaps must even close existing venues.

Does this mean that anything that provides “visual sexual stimulation” must be erased from the landscape? That would be a worry for Dorothy Perkins, as I know one chap who claims that its mannequins are extremely stimulating. And let’s not forget, shall we, that some people are aroused by goats. I’ve even seen one photograph of a man making love to his Range Rover.

I struggle to see what’s wrong with lap-dancing bars. I would object, for sure, if anyone suggested building an airport for Somalian rapists in my backyard, but a gentlemen’s club? No.

I don’t like them much. I don’t like the music or the volume it’s played at. I don’t like the businessmen who go there and I don’t like sitting on velour. But, unlike the vast majority of the objectors, I base my opinions on experience. Extensive experience, in fact.

What do the do-gooders think goes on in these places? Do they imagine it’s a sea of opium, with men in macs playing pass-the-parcel with their embarrassing itches? Because it just isn’t.

Usually there is a handful of girls - all called Becki and all with unwise artwork on their shoulders and bones in their noses - sitting around wearing bits of chiffon and £1.99 underwear that was billed in the catalogue as “erotic” but is no such thing.

After a little while, a Becki will come over and tell you, usually in a Birmingham accent, that she likes to do lesbionics with her friends when the bar closes, in the hope that you will be so aroused that you’ll give her 20 quid for a dance.

It’s not a dance that your grandparents would recognise. In fact, you don’t dance at all. You just sit there, with your hands over your ears to drown out the music, while the girl takes off her mum’s net curtain and puts two bagfuls of silicone near your face.

This is like waving a steak in front of a hungry man. But the juices don’t flow because you know that if you even look as though you’re going to touch them, a bull elephant in a dinner jacket will arrive on the scene and break your liver.

Some clubs do allow the dancers to sit on the customers’ knees but these are to be avoided, partly because some of the younger customers are so full of testosterone that physical contact of any kind might cause them to burst. And partly because the Beckis who work in such places tend to be quite big. Get one of those on your lap and, if you’re not careful, you’re going to go home with gangrene.

I’m not stupid. I’m not going to say lap dancers aren’t sexually stimulating. In fact there’s one called Jennifer at a place in Dearborn, Michigan, whom I would describe as very sexually stimulating. But then so is the Polish girl who works at my local Caffè Nero. And so, I’m told, is Richard Hammond. Does that mean we should pixelate his little face on Top Gear tonight?

This new scheme is proof that the machine has gone off its rocker. And you know what scares me most of all? It’s like the internet. We can never turn it off.

I would have thought Ann Summers posed a bigger threat than a lap dancing club in the High Street. At least pre-pubescent boys can walk in, admire and workout a bra configuration in preparation for 'their first time', as well as look at the toys.Can't do that in Spearmint Rhino! Clean pants anyone?

Nick, Hereford,

PC Nannyistas, 1984, Stepford, uberstat, controlling... just a few adjectives that spring to mind. Reasons to give up on my heritage. Reasons to leave. Reasons to give up. I weep in despair. But I am not allowed to. The machine says so.

Graeme, Kent, Britain

Do they serve Gin and Tonic in these places?

Phil Medway, Singapore, Singapore

Happiness is a con-or whatever is sold to us in the UK anyhow.The 'better' things get/the 'better' route in life you choose the more held down we are. Teachers never asked what you want to be, only what you wanted to do.I'm in China now for a while,even the hairdressers do more than sit on your lap!

Andy, Xiamen,

Reena - "It strikes me as absurd that any civilized country in the world would consider the sexual exploitation of women as a god-given right"

You don't get it do you? The women are financially exploiting the MEN! Maybe you should try it.

Sammi - £400 a night? Some earn £5,000 a night!

Go girl!

Steve, Cardiff,

'...exploitation of women..'
Reena, Birmingham, UK

As one of these girls I earn can earn £400 night after tax etc from JC and his mates.

Thanks the them I can drive my MX5 all day and petrol is just another fluid to me.

Please stop being jealous that we earn more than you

Sammi, Reading,

Stu from Sydney, have you seen the latest Topgear Mag's tv add? Just wait 'n see the hair pulling & teeth gnashing over that one, oh and before any one complains, my wife, chuckling, pointed it out to me. Thank you Mr Clarkson & Co for a funny add.

Craig, Bell, Qld, Australia

At least half the people posting on here seem to be ex-pats sick of the current govt. I would like to add my name to that list, having moved to Egypt 3 recently, I thoroughly enjoy smoking in my office, and everywhere else I choose, as well as driving a V8 pretty much as fast as i like for 12p/litre

Ian Watkins, Hurghada, Egypt

As far as voting for Clarkson is concerned, my vote iis in his debt. (Almost) every thing he says is sarcasticly factual. Unlike Gordie who does even say much yet seems to look like he is lieing mostly!
Keep it coming JC!
Bravo!

Kashan Ahmed, Philadelphia, USA

Unfortunately the machine is running off the rails in Australia. Under our new government 4 drinks is considered a binge, I'm sure the harmless lap dance must be on the agenda soon.
These days I don't to go lap dancing clubs, but if a guys's willing to pay and the girl to dance where's the problem!

Stu, Sydney, Australia

To Tamara - "In Camden ... incidents of rape rose by 50% and sexual assault by 57%".

You are quoting a controversial agenda-led study. Other London boroughs including Camden's neighbour, Islington, showed a DECREASE in rapes after clubs opened there.

The results of Islington were never published!

Steve, Cardiff,

It strikes me as absurd that any civilized country in the world would consider the sexual exploitation of women as a god-given right and the abolishment thereof as an infringement of their freedoms. But surely they said the same about slavery some centuries ago...

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/lapda

Reena, Birmingham, UK

Let's limit regulations by telling the politicians that before they can introduce a new law an old one has to be removed.

With any luck the discussions on which law has to go would tie them the rule makers in knots forever more.

Robbo, Gold Coast, Australia

Robbo, Gold Coast, Australia

Spot on - thats why I have lived in "communist" China for 16 years - who is it that supports all this control freakishness in the UK and why doesn't a political party or you Jeremy take the real wishes of the people into the political arena.

Mike , Beijing, China

JC, as usual every word you wrote is true and, just when you think that the UK couldn't sink any lower, it does. Parallels with Rome and its insane decline into almost non-existence 2000 years ago are there for all to see. I've given up - moved to somewhere sunny where the nutters are kept locked up

GRAHAM BURCHELL, PEGIA, CYPRUS

First time that I have ever thought of voting for Clarkson.
How about you form a government that promises to to nothing for 4 years. A sure vote winner.
A few years ago the Netherlands had no government for 2 years. And no one noticed.
The only thing modern government does is get us in trouble.

Patel, CHipping, uk

Im waiting for the smug ex-pats from Australia to come a posting. Well you'll be interested to know Australia has almost the same amount of violent crime per capita as Britain and has a far higher rate of murders commited by youths. New Zealand has one of the highest teen suicide rates in the world.

Tom Lovett, London,

Come and live in third world where there are no rules , taxes or licenses.But dont complain that are no services either..

al case, Puerto Princessa, Philippines

Correct Jeremy,
Those who can't do teach and those who can't teach regulate

Ian Thorpe, Accrington, U.K.

These puritans portray anything sexual as being violence against women and needing to be banned. This is divisive and counter productive. They do not speak for many modern feminists who feel equality can never be achieved through repression but through liberation of both women and men.

Cathy, London, UK

Tamara, you stated that "women should have the right to feel safe in their own neighbourhood". As far as I'm aware no law has been passed taking away this right, so you can rest easy on that one.

Martin Aston, Newport Pagnell, England

It's a sad state of affairs but the chubby car maniac is on the money. Problem for expats is that most countries are going the same way. By the way who keeps an eye on the government agents with or without their high visibility jackets?

mike, Sydney, Australia

Jeremy,

Absolutely spot on as usual. Perhaps you could offer your
(speech) writing services to a certain David Davis taking a stand against the relentless attack by Nu Labour on the lives of people living in the UK.

Its interesting to note how few of these comments come from UK based citizens.

David, Dubai, UAE

At least prostitutes satisfy the men. Lap dancing clubs just over stimulate the men, some of whom then go out and rape. In Camden, after the opening of four lapdancing clubs, incidents of rape rose by 50% and sexual assault by 57%. Women should have the right to feel safe in their neighbourhood.

Tamara, Northampton , UK

This new wave of regulation-madness is sadly not restricted to the UK alone, Germany seems to go through a similar phase. And as far as I can tell from the entries of my fellow commentators, other European states have the same problem. At least we still allow erotic dancing in clubs, for now anyway.

Matthias Edel, Cadolzburg, Germany

Chris Dale, Portsmouth, UK

If you don't like or wish to hear the views of Jeremy Clarkson might I suggest that you not read his column?

John Ancrum, Newcastle upon Tyne, UK

How does your missus feel about you writing articles about gentlemen's clubs? She must be very patient. Great episode of Top Gear by the way.

Christopher Jordan, Belfast, Northern Ireland

Jeremy, glad to hear that you have a fond memory of your trip to the Detroit area. Must have been one of those business mens lunches with the Ford execs.

As for Mr. Tseitlin, do the women of this area a BIG favor and "bugger off" to Chicago. Better yet, make it Seattle. It's farther away.

Pearl G. , West Bloomfield, Michigan, U.S.A.

Having attended a lap dancing club just once, in San Francisco, I can safely say that it is probably the most mundane experience you can have in the presence of so much silicone. I felt sorry for the girls and embarrassed for my friends. Clarkson is right. Why the hell ban such a pointless activity?

David Garfield, London, UK

Sir Clarkson has hit the nail on the head yet again !

merlie, Gerrards Cross, bucks

Going by the list of countries from which these comments are arriving, it appears that not long from now the only people left in the UK will be the bureaucrats and their masters (as well as the five people who can't find Spain on a map) - a thoroughly deserved partnership.

David Masu, Zürich,

Is it true that some of these lap dancing girls are actually Polish plumbers in drag?? I left England 10 years ago and have no way of verifying these rumours.

David , Sydney, Australia


Why are they called lap-dancing clubs if they don't dance on your lap?
Why are they called tap dancers if they don't dance .........
Avispa

Adam Sargent, Malaga, Spain

Spot on again , the funny bit is the country cant even do a strip club well...cant even put on a good show in that area.place is a joke,thank god i moved away

James , Away, Away from UK

Again, nothing but the truth.
If you don't like it though, do something about it > I did, hence this e-mail is coming from Spain, where they pay very little attention to the EU and only seem to obey their own laws if they are sensible. And speed cameras do apparently exist, but I am yet to see one.

Ray, Mijas, Spain

Thanks Jeremy for reminding and also re-assuring me why I left Britain a couple of years ago.

SatNav, Bucharest, Romania

Lap dancing: Give me a break. Minor league boys behaving badly give decadence a bad name.
Obviously you haven't been to Soi Cowboy or Nana Plaza, in the City of Angels. You get to take the toys home to play with. You never lose your girl, you just lose your turn. Growing old disgracefully.

Andrew Milner, Karuizawa, Japan

Great article Jeremy.

I would like to make an observation to everyone, re all these new rules we have to obey.

When you see a building site in the UK, you see everyone wearing hard hats, high viz jackets and warning signs everywhere.

Has anyone seen a building site in Spain?

Martin T, North Wales, UK

I live in Michigan, and I can honestly say that these days, to my dismay, there are way fewer sexually stimulating females here as a whole, let alone those employed at adult establishments. They're all packing-up and moving out, more often than not to Chicago. Must be the economy!

Rodion Tseitlin, West Bloomfield, MI, USA

'The machine needs to be fed' Right on the money. But don't drag Brussels in this time.
This country has a large number of people in authority who aren't happy unless they are preventing the rest of us from doing something.
That type of person has never lived, they want to make sure we don't either

Douglas Maxwell, Richmond, Yorkshire

As usual Jezza is making an awful lot of sense again, except about the Hamster being sexually stimulating, I mean come on Hamsters are cute not horny.

Steve, Towcester, Northants

I hope Gordon Brown reads this so that he understands what middle England feel...
Mark Stewart, Bangkok,
... no such hope, Mark - as Jeremy is not only intelligent but has a sense of humour, Gordon wouldn't understand that we're serious. He wouldn't really believe that we might disagree with him...

Marco, Kraków, Poland

Dont be ridiculous, you cannot "pixelate" Hammond, the Driving Gods, face.

That would only take ONE pixel.

Geoff Miller, Josselin, Brittany

The only way to beat the march of the socialist Stasi is to ridicule it.and the people who enforce these rules.

On my infrequent visits to England it amazes me that my car gets searched 50% of the time as I leave but NEVER entering.

Why? Maybe the Stasi are looking for you Jeremy!

Tancred, Josselin, Brittany

Whenever I have the misfortune to read or hear anything from Jeremy Clarkson two words always come to mind - the first one you wouldn't print - the second one is 'head'.

Chris Dale, Portsmouth, UK

Somewhere over the past twenty five years we as a nation have really lost it, and it's not going to get any better that's for sure. 400,000 British citizens left the country last year and a similar number the year before, this article just about sums up the reasons why. Well done Jeremy.

Dave Parker, Siem Reap, Cambodia

i am based in bulgaria for past ten years which has been like living in the 21st century's version of the wild west. since joining the EU last year you can feel the creeping hand of regulation and government.

andy anderson, rousse, bulgaria

VERY entertaining article by JC. May I remind people that a government is a mirror to its people? If people didnt sue everyone we wouldnt need so many H&S rules and as for the eco-nuts jihad, maybe we should blame them for all the taxes we have to pay now to... well just LIVE!

Alex K, Manchester, UK

Yep well put Jeremy.. I left England 3 years ago and have never looked back.. In Finland we can Hunt, Fish Rally Cross all in a lovely large country with beautiful scenery and we can still smoke in some pubs.. and fags are only 3 euros a pack. I will never go back.

Jim, Oulu, Finland

We shouldn't have to leave the country we love. We should get rid of the machine. Watch the movie "The Lives of Others" about the Stasi in East Germany in 1984. We are heading this way. The only solution, Jeremy, is to stand for election (please).

Nigel, London, England

Why are they called lap dancing clubs if they don't dance on your lap? One should sue the government for misleading the public. Sue a fluorescent green coated man too for failing to provide suitable cover for the lapdancing (?) girls. Nanny's nets are not de-rigeur; government issue thongs maybe?

S J Hayward, bournemouth, england

Jeremy - cracking article - it made me chuckle as I sat here and read it! The silicone bags reference particularly good! I live in Spain and there seems to be a refreshing lack of the sort of over restrictive-ness going on in our native UK. People seem to do more of what they feel here for one...

Patrick Grant, La Linea, Spain

Jeremy, you have succintly summed up what is wrong with UK today. I love my country, the only problem is that I do not like it. So I moved. I emigrated to the Middle East - which also has some fascinating and intricate restrictions. But life here is free-er than it was in the UK - and it's tax free

James, Dubai, UAE

I do despair - and I left - I can now spend my weekends hunting pigs/deer, sea fishing, driving a V8 SUV while talking on the phone and being aroused by girls in bikinis with not a Health & Safety Inspector in sight.

Peter, Golden Bay, New Zealand

I hope Gordon Brown reads this so that he understands what middle England feel. Then if he act accordingly, he will sail through the next election. Jeremy, Thanks for showing Gordon the way!

Mark Stewart, Bangkok, Thailand

And I can always rely on Jeremy to remind me that I have to leave this authoritarian 1984 state. The next thing will be CCTV in our own houses! It is like an avalanche, once it starts it never ends.

John Morgan, Old Stratford, United Kingdom

Despair!!

Duncan Bowers, Paphos , Cyprus

Awesome. I can always rely on Jeremy to remind me why I shouldn't move back to England and live there.

Andy Turner, Darwin, Australia

Incredible: the only person with the attributes to publicly denounce the spiraling madness of uber-government is a fat bloke who writes mostly about cars... I don't know whether to be relieved or to despair...

Pietro B, SP, Italy

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