Reminded me of Jerome K Jerome's 3 Men in a boat!!

Sridhar, Bangalore, India

This is a problem that can be solved with money.

Take foam earplugs for the flapping. Neither of my Therma-Rest mattresses have problems staying flat. Buy a slightly larger tent; sharing a tent with one other person splits the weight, but makes things worlds easier than a tiny one-man job.

My tent and sleeping bag have never had a zipper jam. This is something worth spending the extra money on.

And if it's so cold you don't need refrigeration, why in God's name wouldn't you take sausages if you want sausages? :-)

Dean Jackson, Washington, DC, USA

I was laughing so much while reading this, Jeremy, I had to stop reading every now-and-then just to be able to breathe.

Etienne, Kyalami, South Africa

One of the funniest write up ever.

Stan, Manila,

Why go camping in this kind of weather? I live in Colorado and we wait until June to go out. When we do we go to isolated areas where we are the only humans around for miles. Lots of great times. Alot also depends on what gear you buy. My North Face tent has lasted 10 years and sustained 60 mph winds at 11,000 feet. It cost me alot of money but it was worth it. If you come to the states try and find primitive campsites. No one bothers you. And stay away from the national parks, Yellowstone, Yosemite, etc. They are tourist traps and no fun. Ask the locals about a nice quite spot and enjoy!

Steve Ochocki, Aspen, Colorado

your lucky that kittens don't camp out in -17 weather. They are the bane of tenters since in the middle of the night a huge shadow looms over the tent. Pounces, and what ends up being a 6" kitten has shredded your tent down the middle in the middle of a thunderstorm somewhere in the Snowdonia mountain ranges :(.

Ad, Sacramento, CA

jeremy people buy tents and sleeping bags and put up with the suffering becuase they know how terrible the alternative is...

the dreaded caravan.

tom, northumberland, UK

There are places to camp and places not to camp. South France being an example of the former, either of the poles being an example of the latter.

Huw Moorcraft, Sydney,

I belive Jeremy has discoverd the reason for an invention of recent times - it's called a "house".

Paul Sellers, Northallerton, North Yorkshire

Camping- one of the earth's great mysteries. I do like camping in the lakes and in southern Wales (Lake Bala happens to be a particular favourite of mine) but if I was wearing at a hat at this precise minute I would take it off to you! Regardless of it being for a Top Gear challenge- having to experience three weeks of sub zero temperatures and have nothing but the sight of snow and unshaven colleagues must have been pretty bleak. I just hope the Hilux lived up to your expectations and didn't freeze up too often.
People who enjoy doing tenting in the Arctic must have no sense of cold or be descended from Eskimos. I couldn't do it. I like my king size bed and central heating too much.

Life on Mars, Hornsea, E. Yorkshire

Well I must entirely disagree. There is nothing as good as being in the great outdoors enjoying a deep communion with nature.

But I still enjoyed your column massively.


David Hernandez, Monterrey, Mexico

David Hernandez, Monterrey, Mexico

I must agree. "Tenting" it even sounds wrong. That is surely not what I call a vacation. And you may tell yourself "well, JC was at the wrong place and the wrong time for tenting" but honestly I don't care where your are from and where you go, it absolutely torture. My first and last time out in the wilderness was a few years ago upstate NY. Somewhat hilly and grassy made the beginning quite lovely, until the night fell. And it all started to suck at the same time. Some Polish teens got their brains messed up on drugs signing some crazy tunes completely out of tune. Then came the bugs, which now where everywhere and making chilling noises and of course the train. A train that continued to pass our camp site, and I'm not kidding, for 45 min. at a time, while making a noise from a Freddy Krueger flick.
I say "f" it. That is not a vacation nor anything close to a rest. Tenting or camping, whatever it's nonsense.

Michael Kozikowski, Lindenhurst, NY

Hi
I wonder if you can look into car insurance in Northern Ireland.
My son, Ben a 19 year old student, has just bought himself a car. It's a 1998 Hyundai Atoz 100cc cost £450. Insured in my name, 45, and no accidents in 28 years, with him as a named driver, £1300 odd pounds. In Deby where his brother lives £352! I'd like to know why when in NI we have lower car crime and fewer accidents?
The insurers say it's because there are fewer drivers here so the risk is spread over less policy holders. But, surley if we were included in the mainland group the cost should go down for us and our mainland conterparts.
HELP,

James Martin, Belfast, UK/Northern Ireland

You're absolutely right Jeremy. A few years ago, after a few beers, I and my family were persuaded to join friends in the Snowy Mountains, home to Australia's main ski resorts. Of course this was just after Christmas, and we were promised balmy 25 degree days and warmish nights. And the clincher was that our pals would even pitch the tent prior to our arrival. All we needed to bring was sleeping bags and massive quantities of food and alcohol.

Unfortunately this was the year of huge bush fires and stranger than usual weather patterns - when we arrived in the Snowies in shorts and tee shirts, it was sleeting. The following day snow actually fell. The worst parts were 1) dinner congealing on the plate before you could eat it and 2) having to have a pee as soon as the 30 min struggle to get in the sleeping bag was over. Oh, and tripping over the guy ropes and not being allowed to light the barbie because of the bush fire danger. Back to beach holidays after that......

Andrew Jordan, Sydney, Australia

I live down the road from a campsite in a rural area. Every weekend posh city-dwellers drive up in their 4x4 cars and then erect tents in a field. They then spend a couple of nights protected only by nylon and smugness. Notably, they have to go to local pubs to get drunk enough to be able to spend the night in the tent. (I know about their drinking because they get shouty when returning to the site; to ensure I don't miss them, they also vandalise our gardens.)

I'd just live in the 4x4 for the weekend. They're relatively dry, contain entertainment facilities, and have the bonus that one can drive them home when you get bored... around 30 minutes after arriving.

Frank, The Countryside,

Should not have burnt your caravan Jeremy.

Boyd, Creyssac, France

Jeremy, me ole' mucker...
The first rule of "tenting" is always to carry a drum kit.
Firstly, the practice keeps you warm.
Secondly, all local wildlife / caravaners / other "tenters" will be scared away.
Thirdly, and most importantly, when you've finished practising, merely select the size of drum most appropriate to the previous meal, turn it upside-down, and use it as a toilet - indoors, natch.
Fourthly, remove the duvet that the Sound Engineer has insisted that you filled the Kick drum with, curl-up with said duvet and fall asleep.
Well, it worked at the Isle Of Wight festival...
PS: Re-using drums after "thirdly" has the added benefit that unwanted resonances will now be damped-down...and so far, any other high-velocity side effects haven't been noticed by the audience...although Roger Taylor had to come up with the story that it was "Champagne"...

Palmer, Carl, Ashby-de-la-zouch, Middle England

I took my daughter to a campsite in the New Forest last year. In the early hours of the morning I was having a nightmare imagining a ten foot giant had entered my tent. In fact I awoke to find a Shetland pony complete with foal had undone the zip and stepped in. They were casually munching away on a loaf of bread whilst putting hoof prints all over my aluminium cook-set. I managed to eject them with some difficulty. Later that day the adult charged me and tried to bite me. My daughter thought it was all hilarious. Happy days.

Gary, Emsworth,

I have pulled a muscle in my back which makes it excruciatingly painful to laugh. Clarkson's articles should carry a health warning! I was in agony - but could not stop reading it as it was so achingly funny.

HELEN jAMES, HEMEL HEMPSTEAD, UK

I hadn't realised how blessed I am until I read this. Being 5'3" and female, I've no willie to get caught in the zip and am used to peeing (and worse) sitting down,. Most of us don't have the beard problem either. Enjoyed the piece a lot.

Penny Calder, Edinburgh, UK

hahahhaa
JC wat a legend..tell them how it is!

AS, Malta,

Dear Jeremy,

Sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy camping; perhaps you should consider a caravan instead?

PW, Halifax,

We were going to go camping, but your article has made my father consider 'alternative family time.' Thank you for saving me from what would have been a week of torture in the middle of nowhere.

Nichola DeWitt, Christchurch, New Zealand

i have been forced on 3 camping trips by my parents a couple years ago.

the first time i spent my night in 2 pairs of jeans, 3 t shirts, 2 hoodies and 2 sleeping bags, INSIDE the tent, and yet i still managed only an hours sleep as i was freezing cold, and it was the middle of november, so various animals wandered onto the campsite.

the second, was in a big field with one communial shower and toilet that attracted a smell not usually found on campsites, and not all that pleasent either.

the third, i actually drove home after a day, and left them to it. a foot deep in snow somewhere in wales, with no means of personal hygeine drove me crazy, and home.

needless to say i prefer to stick to nice pretty cottages in the lake district now, well, that isn't when i'm somewhere warm, and not in britain!!

must also say that i thoroughly enjoyed the article, i was laughing throughout the whole piece.

Danielle, Ipswich, England

I once bought a tent and sleeping bag and decided not to lug it around town, but instead to pick it up after shopping and on the way back to the car. The shop said they’d look after it for me.
However, upon first opening the tent kit by torchlight, while eight inches deep in mud at Glastonbury festival, I discovered that they’d given me the wrong tent. Instead of my choice, (big, blue, sturdy) I had been given a child’s toy tent with a big union jack design, so, combined with my choice of haircut, I looked like the recruiting post for the BNP. Then, after heading out and spending the evening in rain and thick mud, getting what scientists refer to as ‘utterly wasted’, I climbed into Nick Griffin’s wendy house and opened the sleeping bag – which also turned out to also be child size.
As I’m 6ft 2ins, it came up to my waist, so I spent the night cold, wet and in the kind of conditions that Wilfred Owen used to write poems about. Never again.

Matt Pomroy, Dubai, UAE

I bought a tent last week, with the view of going camping in the Lake District this August..

Far from scaring me off, this has only cemented my idea that it will be an experience to remember.

The irony, and timing, of this piece meant I was crying with laughter as I read, and I actually had to look away for fear of wetting my pants.

Bravo Jeremy! If only we'd had holiday accounts like this on "Wish You Were Here" ...

Dan Brown, Newcastle-upon-Tyne, UK

1) I believe they were doing it for Top Gear, so they wouldn't have been able to stop.

2) Poor little Jezza! I hope he's feeling ok now. All my love xx

Becky, East Grinstead,, England

Stop being a softie Clarkson!

James, Saltash,

It was so miserable he could only stand it for THREE WEEKS! When normal people are doing something they do not like, they stop, and do something else instead. So when Clarkson uses pejoratives like 'absolutely insane', I am looking at him.

Harry Kraik, Tentsville, Tentshire

all of which is why normal sane people avoid the experience. hope they paid you well LOL.

matt, southampton, hants

Presumably, Jeremy, you also discovered the unwritten tent manufacturer's rule which requires that, if the tent has N ropes to hold it down, they provide (N-1) pegs? All of which are designed to bend uselessly at the mere sight of a mallet.

Nick Wilcock, Witney, Oxfordshire, UK

It's most fun when you let the beard freeze in the cold and try to yank it off. I can't even imagine Clarkson being a beardy.

Mihai Bad, Kitchener, Canada

I am deeply sorry to hear of 'beard', and I hope you have enough male grooming products to help you over the trauma. Lots of love (providing 'beard' has gone) Vicki XX
PS You are SUCH a hero!!

Vicki JezzaBelle, Somerset,