YOUR spouse exits by the main entrance, on Albemarle Street, where the taxi you’ve booked is waiting. Meanwhile, your lover scoots in through the back door on Dover Street — “Dover or it’s over”, you’ve said again and again.

Spouse and lover never meet, and your affair runs its course: thanks to military timing, plus an awful lot of flying by the seat of your pants . . .

Brown’s Hotel in Mayfair, a prime location just around the corner from the Ritz, has never boasted about its legendary reputation for being a great place for an affair — and it certainly isn’t encouraging any W1 waywardness. But its double entrances have made it easy for “discreet meetings”.

Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton are known to have used it at various stages of their on-off romance. Theodore Roosevelt visited with Edith, his wife-to-be, in 1886. Franklin D. Roosevelt used the hotel for his honeymoon with Eleanor in 1905. Rudyard Kipling, who wrote The Jungle Book at Brown’s, came with his wife-to-be, and later honeymooned there.

Agatha Christie, who regularly visited in the 1960s, used Brown’s, which opened in 1837, as the basis of the intrigue in her novel At Bertram’s Hotel — strained relationships, and ultimately murder, shrouding Brown’s in romantic mystery: respectable people behaving terribly unrespectably . . . and eventually coming unstuck.

Other famous guests have included Haile Selassi, Queen Victoria (who popped in for tea), Cecil Rhodes, and Alexander Graham Bell (who made the world’s first telephone call at the hotel in 1876).

Sir Rocco Forte, who bought Brown’s in 2003 and recently completed a £19 million refurbishment with the help of his sister Olga Polizzi, the designer, emphasises the fun side of his new five-star creation, which opens on December 12. “We want it to be alive and happening,” he says. “A place where the local population will meet. Somewhere that has a buzz, but is intimate and cosy.”

In other words, perfect for some amour.

For those who want to get up close and personal, there are suites with double chaise longues, bathtubs for two, and showers with two nozzles for showering à deux.

Sir Rocco is pitching the hotel’s appeal high: “We want to create one of the best hotels in London, on a par with Claridge’s, the Connaught or the Dorchester. We’re probably most like the Connaught, as we’re quite small (117 rooms) and don’t have grand public spaces.”

Instead there is The Grill, run by Angelo Maresca, formerly maitre d’ at the Savoy Grill, and executive chef Laurence Glayzer, ex Harry’s Bar, The Ritz, and the Savoy Grill. A roast trolley will be available for lunches, with meals from £25 for three courses. There is also the Donovan Bar, full of pictures taken by Terence Donovan — with snugs and dim lighting for all those trysts.

“We want a quintessentially English feel — one that will attract traditional luxury hotel customers and a younger clientele as well,” Sir Rocco said.

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